Well I haven't posted for a while because things have been crazy around here! We were out of town for two weeks and with summer in general we are just busy! So I havent had a lot of time to get on my computer and type out my feelings and thoughts.... although, I have wanted to almost every day. I constantly have thoughts running through my head, some good, some that make me feel sad, some that remind me its all ok and some that, as always, make me long to have a little girl.
I felt like I was really at peace for the most part about having a boy... and really I am for the most part. Now that I know he is a boy, I would never every change him. I love him for who he is (even if I dont know him yet) and I wouldnt go back and choose not to have him because he wasnt a girl... never. Somehow I really think down deep we always knew we would have four boys. I think back to when I was pregnant with Cameron and I remember thinking I hoped he was a girl so badly because that way if I had all boys after that it would be "ok." There have been many times where the idea of four boys has crossed my mind and even though each and every time I have hoped for a girl, I think we always kinda knew. I am so thankful to be blessed with each and every one of these precious spirits and I love them all so much.
But it seems everywhere I look, everywhere I turn there are things reminding me how badly I want a little girl and how Im not going to have one. Left and right friends are finding out they are having girls and as much as I want to be happy for them and feel nothing else, I am happy for them but my heart aches inside. Why couldnt it be me? I prayed just as hard as anyone else for a girl... I get so annoyed when I see people posting or saying things about how hard they prayed for a girl and they got an answer to their prayer. I prayed too, harder than you can imagine. I had times where I balled my eyes out in prayer begging to have a little girl... and what about my prayers? Does that mean they werent answered... I know thats not what it means but I feel like that sometimes. Im getting to the point where I dont even want to read my newsfeed on Facebook because every single time I do there is something that seems to rub in my face that I didnt get a girl... and then I want to cry and my heart breaks and I hate feeling like that. I just want to be that person. I want to be the one who got such a surprise, who after all my boys finally gets a girl. I pray every day that my turn will come. But still my heart doesnt feel complete, day after day.
Im so over this conversation... everywhere I go...
Stranger: "Oh, you must be having a girl this time, right?"
Me: "Nope, another boy." (trying to smile and feel annoyed that thats what they assume)
Stranger: "Oh..... (poor you face with an awkward laugh) Well maybe you should just try again!
Seriously. Im done with the "you should just try again" line. As if its as simple as just picking out a better fruit at the grocery store. This is a child your talking about. I cant just "try again" until I get a girl. Why cant people understand that? Children cost money and time and the more I have the more I have to divide my time and the more money to be spent which we cant do. Its not that simple. I dont know yet if we will try again. Im not sure whats in our future. But really... Im done with that conversation. And with the awkward laugh like they feel bad for me... even though I want a girl I still am happy about this baby and I want people to be happy for me. But it seems everyone, strangers and people I know, aren't as happy or excited because its "just another boy." Well he is my boy. And I am happy to have him join my family and I wish everyone would stop acting sorry for me that I didnt get a girl. Even though I have all these feelings I want happiness around me. It just makes it worse when people tiptoe around it. Or sometimes it feels like people dont want to talk to me about my pregnancy because they dont want to remind me Im having another boy or something. Just be happy for me so I can feel happiness around me!
I have lots of friends who long to just be pregnant... they dont care what they have, just a baby would suffice. I feel bad caring so much about what Im having when there are people who would do anything to just have a baby and be pregnant. In the end its the same type of emotion... a longing for something you want so badly and cant have or control. I know they see FB posts about people being pregnant and feel the same way I feel about seeing ones about people having girls. Their hearts break each time. I remember feeling that way when I wanted to be pregnant so bad with Cameron. I dont want to be criticized for feeling the way I feel. Thats why I blog. Facebook can be cruel, people take things the wrong way and say things that they dont really mean or would never say to your face. So its helpful to just blog and get it out there where only the people who care enough to read it will do so and have an opinion. I know I still put myself out there for criticism but at least hopefully those reading this will try to understand my heart and where Im coming from and not be too judgmental.
I pray every day for peace of mind that I can remember that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me that I dont know. One that would be much better than the plan I would have for myself Im sure. I try to remember that this isnt it... that there are opportunities for our family to have a girl in the future if thats whats in the plan for us.
