If nothing else, know that I love you.

I cant tell you how many times a day I worry that Im doing everything wrong. That Im not spending enough time one on one with my kids, that Im not reading enough with them, that Im not feeding them the right healthy foods, that Im not disciplining them the right way, that Im not instilling the right values deep within them... the list goes on and on. Am I alone in this?! Please tell me Im not.

Being a parent comes with such an enormous responsibility - not only physical but emotional needs that must be met from each little person in your home. And the more kids you have the more people you have to worry about meeting those needs for! I feed my kids everyday, bathe them, get them to school, do their homework, etc. But its all the other things that stress me out. I want to raise kind, loving, helpful, selfless, respectful boys with good morals and standards - which in this day and age I feel is so difficult. The world around them is corrupt, growing dirtier and more selfish every day I feel. So many kids are living an "entitled" lifestyle and have every form of technology at their fingertips. Technology that can be so incredibly helpful and amazing, yet at the same time can be so damaging and hurtful when used the wrong way.

How do I raise my kids to be immune to this? To live in the world but not of it? How do I teach them to make good choices in bad situations, to love everyone, to stand up for those who need a friend. The best way I believe is to lead by example. But even that is hard because how do I get them to understand the moral of the story Im living? I pray all the time that I can be a good example to my children and that I can know how best to teach them all the things they need to learn, that I will understand and know their needs. I feel an enormous amount of responsibility to teach them to be good missionaries, good husbands and fathers. Its overwhelming.  

Do you ever think about what people would say about you if your funeral were today? I know thats a bit morbid and crazy, but really, I think about that sometimes. What memories have I left my children with that they would remember about me even when they are old? What memories have I left with others that they would remember me by if I werent here? If my funeral were today would it be filled with people who loved me and came because I had touched them somehow? If I werent around when my children were grown would they have fond memories of us together? Would they remember the moments we spent laughing and snuggling, watching movies and playing outside? I have to hope so. That is the fuel of my goal each day. My answer to these questions is if nothing else, my children would know that I loved them. They do know that I love them. Sometimes I say to Connor "Do you know I love you?" And his response, "I know Mom, you tell me all the time!" Its funny becuase he says it with an agitated tone as if saying stop telling me already. But, at least he knows! I can teach my children to be loving people by loving them. And if I can do nothing else right (which I hope that Im doing something else right!) then at least I know that they know I love them more than anything on this earth, with every last bone in my body and every inch of my heart.

Long time, no blog...

Well its been quite a while since I sat here to write... Since I last wrote my sweet little boy Henry was born on November 9th. I cant believe he is already nearing 5 months old! Where has the time gone? I am absolutely smitten with that little boy - I love every little thing about him and I can even begin to imagine my family without him in it. I know we were so blessed to have him join our family. We have been so blessed with 4 healthy, adorable little men.

 I wish I could say that the longing to have a little girl had subsided, but it hasnt. My family is feeling more and more complete, especially with the addition of Henry. But it still feels incomplete, and thats what Im left to sort out... whats missing? The more we talk about it and think about it, the more I feel like I am finished having children. The idea of never being pregnant again breaks my heart. I have spent such a large quantity of time over the past 5 years growing little humans that the thought of never again feeling a baby kick, or hearing its heart beat for the first time, or holding my baby for the first time after delivery makes my heart ache. Its a strange feeling. Such a mix bag of emotions. Happiness that I have been able to experience it and excitement that we are nearing the completion of our family and moving onto new and exciting chapters. But heart wrenching and difficult to accept that my body will never again host a growing child. And accepting that its the end of this chapter. I think about it every day. And by every day I dont mean just once a day... I mean a lot of the day. I am continually praying for clarification as to where our path should go.

Now back to the incomplete part... The more I think and pray about what we should do next the more I feel that adoption will be our route. Its not 100% our decision yet but Im feeling really good about heading that direction. Our tentative plan, which of course could always change and likely will, is to have a home study done in the beginning of next year. Adoption is a long a difficult process often times and so we dont want to waste time. A home study is good for a year. So we will get a approved and submit our information and then see what happens. Every now and then I get a strong feeling that there is a baby that is meant for us. I dont know who she is or when she will come, but I truly feel like she is on her way one way or another. There is always the possibility that we dont get chosen by any birth parents and if thats the case then it will be what was supposed to happen. Heavenly Father knows our path and knows whats best for our family. I have faith and trust that he will either make it happen or not depending on what is best. Only time and lots of prayer will tell.

I want to say how incredibly thankful I am for each of my little boys. They are such a wonderful blessing from heaven and I love them with my whole heart and more. Each of them has different talents and personalities and I am so blessed to be their mom. They can certainly be a handful... there are days where Im not sure Im going to make it to bedtime without being admitted to the looney house. But they are adventurous, wild, fun and busy. All things that are "boy" and I love them for it!

I plan to write more often. I feel like a blog is such a great way to get my thoughts and emotions out on the table and even if no one reads it, at least I got to verbalize it.