The title is talking about parenting. When your kids are really little - babies - it seems so much of your existence is spent keeping them alive, fed, clean, happy, etc. When your nursing your glued to your couch most the day. When you have a fussy baby who wont calm down you look forward to the day when they are older and wont be crying like this. The list goes on and on. Your constantly waiting for something to get easier, something to change. And some things do. But overall the difficult things just shift to different difficult things. Hence the title, it doesnt get easier, it just gets different.
Cameron is in a stage where things are getting "different." He is much easier in so many ways, I mean, he can still be a handful, but he listens much better usually and is starting to do chores and be more helpful around the house. But in so many ways its getting trickier. He is at a stage where he has lots of questions, sometimes hard ones to answer. Sometimes ones that break my heart. He has become very curious and confused by death and what happens after. So he often has questions about that. I often laugh after talking to him because he says the funniest things while trying to process. He also is at a stage where he is getting ready to go to school. With that, and all the sad and terrible things we see these days, he has to understand what to do in case of any kind of terrible situation that could happen. Like what to do if someone comes in shooting (yea, terrible I have to prepare him for that....) or if someone tries to take him or do anything inappropriate with him. Its all so overwhelming. So he sometimes has questions about that. I always tell him "if someone is trying to hurt you, just run away, run fast and until you find someone to help you." My heart hurts thinking of all the things we have to prepare our kids for these days. Things I dont think our parents would have even fathomed. Back when the Sandy Hook thing happened he saw me crying and asked why. I of course was being super lovey and huggy at that time and I just told him I was said because someone had hurt some little kids and it made me cry. I realized immediatly I shouldnt have said anything, but at the same time I wanted him to know that if someone ever comes in at school shooting what he should do. But what should he do? I heard a study that showed that people who ran in mass shootings instead of hiding were more likely to live. I tell him to run. I dont know. Just thinking and typing it all breaks my heart. Why do I have to talk to my sweet little 5 year old about things like this?! Tonight he asked me about it again and hasnt brought it up for a while. I reminded him that every time we pray to Heavenly Father we ask him to keep up safe and to watch over us. And that if we do that he will keep us safe. Thats the best thing we can do is have faith. I reminded him that Heavenly Father and Mommy and Daddy will keep him safe if he listens to us and follows what we tell him.
Basically what Im getting at is that he is coming into a whole new level of understanding. And its a whole new kind of parenting. Difficult questions with difficult answers. Parenting is such a tricky job. Im sure it just gets trickier and trickier the older the kids get. Trying to find a balance between telling them just enough for their sake of understanding but not over telling to frighten or scare them or even just to have too much info too young. I want my kids to understand that there are dangers in the world and how to avoid them if they can. But how do you do that without scaring them. The joys of parenting, right? Unfortunatly we all make mistakes in parenting. Our parents did too Im sure. But all we can do is rely on the Lord to guide us and rely on what we feel is best for our kids, not what others tell us is right. We as parents have been giving inspiration as to what is best for our families and children and I think its important that we remember that in all our decisions. WE know best. Not our neighbors, friends, random ladies in the grocery store (lol) or even family sometimes. So thats my plan to try to get through all these quesitons and shifting of parenting style I guess you could say as we transition into a new kind of parenting with him. My plan is to listen to what I feel is best and to listen to what I feel the Lord would want me to do.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Friday, June 21, 2013
Bad day...
Today seems to be a crummy day mentally. Everything I see, read and hear seems to remind me that Im not having a girl. Im having a hard time today. Feeling emotional, frustrated, depressed for some reason. Ijust wanna lay in bed and do nothing. I dont know why today Im feeling this way... I have been ok for the most part, today is just wierd. :/ Ilove this little baby no matter what, he is so precious to me... I would never change who he is. Its just hard for me to deal with not having a girl. My heart just hurts today :(
Chore Punch Card
Ups and Downs
I havent written for a while because I have been super busy and super tired! And all my computer time has been spent working on editing. But although I havent been blogging I have had a lot on my mind.
Most days Im very ok with having another boy, I think its maybe something I knew all along and just hoped I would get a girl but knew I would have boys. There are just moments, where someone says something about having a girl themselves or when I think about what Im missing out on by not having a girl. When I see a mom doing her daughters hair or a little girl twirling in her dress at church... In those moments it makes my heart hurt. I get so frustrated and annoyed when people try to convince me its a good thing and I dont want a girl anyway because they are moody or difficult teenagers or whatever. It just makes me mad. I hate feeling so happy and so empty at the same time.
The more I learn about adoption the more I realize that it will be a long, difficult path that may amount to nothing in the end. There are families who have been waiting years and years to get a child and still havent. There is nothing to make me think that we will be the exception. Then I think about the option to have another baby after this and I dont know that thats the right direction for us either. Im sure I would have a 5th boy and still have a void, even though I would love him and he would still be wonderful, I would still feel empty in a certain part of my life and heart. Its kind of difficult not knowing what the future holds for us in this department. All I know for sure is I dont feel like we are done after this baby and I dont feel complete without a daughter either.
But then there are days where I feel like maybe I was made to raise boys. Not that the calling of a mother of boys is more divine or special but somehow I feel like I have been intrusted with a great responsibility... to raise boys who will be great missionaries, husbands and fathers. In a time where I feel like the world has so much turmoil and times are obviously hard and not going to be getting better I feel overwhelmed with this responsibility. Its my job to teach my boys to love the Lord and want to teach his word and spread his gospel. To be loving and respectful husbands and involved and caring fathers. This is my role.
I am redoing their bedroom right now. After Henry is born all three older boys will need to be in one bedroom, yikes, I know. So we got bunk beds for Cameron and Connor and Colton will have a twin bed we will set up when the time nears. I decided to aid in my role I am doing their room in a missionary theme. I have a large map I have hung up and my friend is cutting vinyl for me that says "I hope they call me on a mission" to hang above the map. I have some cute printables I am going to frame and hang around the room that have pictures of the temple that say "I love to see the temple" and "called to serve." I also have printables Im going to do that are encouraging words, like "I can do hard things" and such. I got them all matching bed sets and Im building them a bookshelf for all their books. I cant wait for it to be done!
I also have been accumulating things for Henry's room. I got a rug, lamp, wall hangings, etc. Once we move Colton out in a couple months Im going to pain the crib white and I found a white double dresser at Ikea that Im going to get. I need to color my rockers pads to be grey and paint the rocker white. I found a light fixture Im going to hang.... It will all come together! Im so excited for him to use it when he arrives!
I had an ultrasound the other day and he is healthy and growing well. Im so thankful to be blessed with three beautiful, healthy, sweet little boys and that Henry is healthy thus far as well. I cant wait to meet him and hold him and have him as a part of our family!
Most days Im very ok with having another boy, I think its maybe something I knew all along and just hoped I would get a girl but knew I would have boys. There are just moments, where someone says something about having a girl themselves or when I think about what Im missing out on by not having a girl. When I see a mom doing her daughters hair or a little girl twirling in her dress at church... In those moments it makes my heart hurt. I get so frustrated and annoyed when people try to convince me its a good thing and I dont want a girl anyway because they are moody or difficult teenagers or whatever. It just makes me mad. I hate feeling so happy and so empty at the same time.
The more I learn about adoption the more I realize that it will be a long, difficult path that may amount to nothing in the end. There are families who have been waiting years and years to get a child and still havent. There is nothing to make me think that we will be the exception. Then I think about the option to have another baby after this and I dont know that thats the right direction for us either. Im sure I would have a 5th boy and still have a void, even though I would love him and he would still be wonderful, I would still feel empty in a certain part of my life and heart. Its kind of difficult not knowing what the future holds for us in this department. All I know for sure is I dont feel like we are done after this baby and I dont feel complete without a daughter either.
But then there are days where I feel like maybe I was made to raise boys. Not that the calling of a mother of boys is more divine or special but somehow I feel like I have been intrusted with a great responsibility... to raise boys who will be great missionaries, husbands and fathers. In a time where I feel like the world has so much turmoil and times are obviously hard and not going to be getting better I feel overwhelmed with this responsibility. Its my job to teach my boys to love the Lord and want to teach his word and spread his gospel. To be loving and respectful husbands and involved and caring fathers. This is my role.
I am redoing their bedroom right now. After Henry is born all three older boys will need to be in one bedroom, yikes, I know. So we got bunk beds for Cameron and Connor and Colton will have a twin bed we will set up when the time nears. I decided to aid in my role I am doing their room in a missionary theme. I have a large map I have hung up and my friend is cutting vinyl for me that says "I hope they call me on a mission" to hang above the map. I have some cute printables I am going to frame and hang around the room that have pictures of the temple that say "I love to see the temple" and "called to serve." I also have printables Im going to do that are encouraging words, like "I can do hard things" and such. I got them all matching bed sets and Im building them a bookshelf for all their books. I cant wait for it to be done!
I also have been accumulating things for Henry's room. I got a rug, lamp, wall hangings, etc. Once we move Colton out in a couple months Im going to pain the crib white and I found a white double dresser at Ikea that Im going to get. I need to color my rockers pads to be grey and paint the rocker white. I found a light fixture Im going to hang.... It will all come together! Im so excited for him to use it when he arrives!
I had an ultrasound the other day and he is healthy and growing well. Im so thankful to be blessed with three beautiful, healthy, sweet little boys and that Henry is healthy thus far as well. I cant wait to meet him and hold him and have him as a part of our family!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Where to start....
I havent written for a few days because I have been processing. I am so happy and relieved that he looks healthy and that all is well with my little boy <3 Now that I know he is a boy and he has a name and he feels more real I wouldnt change him for the world. Its funny how that works. As if before he wasnt real... but somehow now that I know what gender he is, I saw him looking like a baby in there and I have given him a name he is more of a person to me. Its weird. I kind of dont know where to start to explain or let out my emotions from the past few days....
I, of course, balled like a lunatic for the first little while after I found out he was a boy. Not because he was a boy but because my last chance, my final try for a girl wasnt going to come true. I was struggling to accept that I wouldnt have a girl of my own. And that kills me. Unless we are able to adopt or Heavenly Father decides to somehow bless us with a girl I will never have a daughter, I will never have a daughter who wants me in the room when she has a baby of her own, or get to plan her wedding, or have a first date, etc. I wont know what a little girl of ours would look like or be like. Its hard. I felt like after three boys I somehow deserved at least one girl. Aside from being so happy that this little guy will be joining our family and that he is healthy I have felt so many other emotions, again, not because he is a boy, not at all. Just because of what I will be missing out on. A few times I have felt angry - angry that I prayed so hard for a little girl and didnt get one. Then I realize that thats silly. I have felt a little disappointed and discouraged. I have felt an overwhelming sense of how important my job is as a mom of all boys, my need to prepare them for missions and to be good husbands. I have felt heartbroken that it wasnt time to have a little girl join our family. I also get so mad for some reason when people tell me about how they wanted their last to be a girl so bad because they only had one girl and two boys but instead they got a boy - they had a girl! It just bugs me. I also cant stand how everyone keeps telling me "oh well, you will one day get daughter in laws! And maybe granddaughters." Its not the same. As great as that will be, not the above mentioned things I am struggling with. My daughter in laws most likely wont want me there when they deliver their babies or want help planning their weddings, etc. I feel frustrated because my whole life I imagined myself with a little girl, at least one, of my own. And as I mentioned in a past post that I had an experience that made me know we were meant to have a girl in our family... so I feel frustrated because she isnt coming and it makes me wonder why I would feel that if I keep having boys. Obviously adoption is a very strong possibility, but still, Im frustrated right now too. Im pretty sure I cant write or remember every emotion I have felt the past few days. Cameron has said to me a few times "I dont want another brother, I want a sister." And that of course breaks my heart. I have to explain how much we love this brother and that just because we want a sister it doesnt mean we wont love this brother and that he will be so excited to have three little brothers! I sure do love my little boys, all of them, born or unborn, they are all so amazing and special. I cant wait to meet this one!
Im rambling.... sorry.
In my hysterical breakdown Bret agreed to a name he wasnt 100% sold on but that I love, Henry Lewis Madsen. I LOVE it! I know, I know, Im breaking away from the "C" theme, but I just couldnt commit to Carson, I didnt love it. I feel like each pregnancy is a repeat of the last, another boy, same nursery, same clothes, same everything except a different baby. So to help myself feel better and like its new and exciting I am going to redo our nursery! Im exicted! I found an inspiration photo of a nursery I love! Its orange, bright green, teal and grey. I will be making wall art with Dr Suess quotes and other such things and getting an all new crib set, painting my crib etc. Im so excited!
Another thing I have a hard time with is that people seem awkward around me or talking to me about it now. As if they dont want to say anything. Barely anyone has said in person "Congratulations" or anything like that. They all just seem to ignore the subject, it really bugs me. It makes me feel like they arent happy or excited for me. Just because I didnt get a girl doesnt mean Im not happy and excited and want to talk about this baby! Just something I have noticed.
Bret and I both have agreed that after little Henry is born we will start praying about what we should do, what our path should be. If he wants us to try again (which if thats the case then he better well send me a girl lol) or if he wants us to pursue and look into adoption. I really deep inside me feel that there is a little girl for us. That she is meant to be a part of our family. I don't know how or when she will come apart of it but I know that somehow we will find her, whether it be through adoption or if the Lord sends her to us biologically. Its such a strange feeling having your heart feel so full and so empty all at once. Its full knowing this precious little boy is healthy and he will be joining our family in November, but empty knowing that I may never have a little girl and that if I do (which I hope and pray) that I have no idea how she will come to our family.
Im thankful Heavenly Father has blessed us with three healthy children and that this little guy so far seems to be healthy and growing like he should. His little profile photo from the ultrasound was so cute! He looks like he has an adorable little nose :) I get to have another ultrasound at 18 weeks, so in 2 1/2 more weeks for the anatomy scan to look at his kidneys, heart, brain, etc. I pray that he continues to grow and be healthy and there arent any problems or complications with this pregnancy. I love my little boy, I cant wait to start feeling him move more and more (I have felt a few little wiggles already!) and to meet him and snuggle him and have him here!
I, of course, balled like a lunatic for the first little while after I found out he was a boy. Not because he was a boy but because my last chance, my final try for a girl wasnt going to come true. I was struggling to accept that I wouldnt have a girl of my own. And that kills me. Unless we are able to adopt or Heavenly Father decides to somehow bless us with a girl I will never have a daughter, I will never have a daughter who wants me in the room when she has a baby of her own, or get to plan her wedding, or have a first date, etc. I wont know what a little girl of ours would look like or be like. Its hard. I felt like after three boys I somehow deserved at least one girl. Aside from being so happy that this little guy will be joining our family and that he is healthy I have felt so many other emotions, again, not because he is a boy, not at all. Just because of what I will be missing out on. A few times I have felt angry - angry that I prayed so hard for a little girl and didnt get one. Then I realize that thats silly. I have felt a little disappointed and discouraged. I have felt an overwhelming sense of how important my job is as a mom of all boys, my need to prepare them for missions and to be good husbands. I have felt heartbroken that it wasnt time to have a little girl join our family. I also get so mad for some reason when people tell me about how they wanted their last to be a girl so bad because they only had one girl and two boys but instead they got a boy - they had a girl! It just bugs me. I also cant stand how everyone keeps telling me "oh well, you will one day get daughter in laws! And maybe granddaughters." Its not the same. As great as that will be, not the above mentioned things I am struggling with. My daughter in laws most likely wont want me there when they deliver their babies or want help planning their weddings, etc. I feel frustrated because my whole life I imagined myself with a little girl, at least one, of my own. And as I mentioned in a past post that I had an experience that made me know we were meant to have a girl in our family... so I feel frustrated because she isnt coming and it makes me wonder why I would feel that if I keep having boys. Obviously adoption is a very strong possibility, but still, Im frustrated right now too. Im pretty sure I cant write or remember every emotion I have felt the past few days. Cameron has said to me a few times "I dont want another brother, I want a sister." And that of course breaks my heart. I have to explain how much we love this brother and that just because we want a sister it doesnt mean we wont love this brother and that he will be so excited to have three little brothers! I sure do love my little boys, all of them, born or unborn, they are all so amazing and special. I cant wait to meet this one!
Im rambling.... sorry.
In my hysterical breakdown Bret agreed to a name he wasnt 100% sold on but that I love, Henry Lewis Madsen. I LOVE it! I know, I know, Im breaking away from the "C" theme, but I just couldnt commit to Carson, I didnt love it. I feel like each pregnancy is a repeat of the last, another boy, same nursery, same clothes, same everything except a different baby. So to help myself feel better and like its new and exciting I am going to redo our nursery! Im exicted! I found an inspiration photo of a nursery I love! Its orange, bright green, teal and grey. I will be making wall art with Dr Suess quotes and other such things and getting an all new crib set, painting my crib etc. Im so excited!
Another thing I have a hard time with is that people seem awkward around me or talking to me about it now. As if they dont want to say anything. Barely anyone has said in person "Congratulations" or anything like that. They all just seem to ignore the subject, it really bugs me. It makes me feel like they arent happy or excited for me. Just because I didnt get a girl doesnt mean Im not happy and excited and want to talk about this baby! Just something I have noticed.
Bret and I both have agreed that after little Henry is born we will start praying about what we should do, what our path should be. If he wants us to try again (which if thats the case then he better well send me a girl lol) or if he wants us to pursue and look into adoption. I really deep inside me feel that there is a little girl for us. That she is meant to be a part of our family. I don't know how or when she will come apart of it but I know that somehow we will find her, whether it be through adoption or if the Lord sends her to us biologically. Its such a strange feeling having your heart feel so full and so empty all at once. Its full knowing this precious little boy is healthy and he will be joining our family in November, but empty knowing that I may never have a little girl and that if I do (which I hope and pray) that I have no idea how she will come to our family.
Im thankful Heavenly Father has blessed us with three healthy children and that this little guy so far seems to be healthy and growing like he should. His little profile photo from the ultrasound was so cute! He looks like he has an adorable little nose :) I get to have another ultrasound at 18 weeks, so in 2 1/2 more weeks for the anatomy scan to look at his kidneys, heart, brain, etc. I pray that he continues to grow and be healthy and there arent any problems or complications with this pregnancy. I love my little boy, I cant wait to start feeling him move more and more (I have felt a few little wiggles already!) and to meet him and snuggle him and have him here!
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