I havent written for a while because I have been super busy and super tired! And all my computer time has been spent working on editing. But although I havent been blogging I have had a lot on my mind.
Most days Im very ok with having another boy, I think its maybe something I knew all along and just hoped I would get a girl but knew I would have boys. There are just moments, where someone says something about having a girl themselves or when I think about what Im missing out on by not having a girl. When I see a mom doing her daughters hair or a little girl twirling in her dress at church... In those moments it makes my heart hurt. I get so frustrated and annoyed when people try to convince me its a good thing and I dont want a girl anyway because they are moody or difficult teenagers or whatever. It just makes me mad. I hate feeling so happy and so empty at the same time.
The more I learn about adoption the more I realize that it will be a long, difficult path that may amount to nothing in the end. There are families who have been waiting years and years to get a child and still havent. There is nothing to make me think that we will be the exception. Then I think about the option to have another baby after this and I dont know that thats the right direction for us either. Im sure I would have a 5th boy and still have a void, even though I would love him and he would still be wonderful, I would still feel empty in a certain part of my life and heart. Its kind of difficult not knowing what the future holds for us in this department. All I know for sure is I dont feel like we are done after this baby and I dont feel complete without a daughter either.
But then there are days where I feel like maybe I was made to raise boys. Not that the calling of a mother of boys is more divine or special but somehow I feel like I have been intrusted with a great responsibility... to raise boys who will be great missionaries, husbands and fathers. In a time where I feel like the world has so much turmoil and times are obviously hard and not going to be getting better I feel overwhelmed with this responsibility. Its my job to teach my boys to love the Lord and want to teach his word and spread his gospel. To be loving and respectful husbands and involved and caring fathers. This is my role.
I am redoing their bedroom right now. After Henry is born all three older boys will need to be in one bedroom, yikes, I know. So we got bunk beds for Cameron and Connor and Colton will have a twin bed we will set up when the time nears. I decided to aid in my role I am doing their room in a missionary theme. I have a large map I have hung up and my friend is cutting vinyl for me that says "I hope they call me on a mission" to hang above the map. I have some cute printables I am going to frame and hang around the room that have pictures of the temple that say "I love to see the temple" and "called to serve." I also have printables Im going to do that are encouraging words, like "I can do hard things" and such. I got them all matching bed sets and Im building them a bookshelf for all their books. I cant wait for it to be done!
I also have been accumulating things for Henry's room. I got a rug, lamp, wall hangings, etc. Once we move Colton out in a couple months Im going to pain the crib white and I found a white double dresser at Ikea that Im going to get. I need to color my rockers pads to be grey and paint the rocker white. I found a light fixture Im going to hang.... It will all come together! Im so excited for him to use it when he arrives!
I had an ultrasound the other day and he is healthy and growing well. Im so thankful to be blessed with three beautiful, healthy, sweet little boys and that Henry is healthy thus far as well. I cant wait to meet him and hold him and have him as a part of our family!
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