If nothing else, know that I love you.

I cant tell you how many times a day I worry that Im doing everything wrong. That Im not spending enough time one on one with my kids, that Im not reading enough with them, that Im not feeding them the right healthy foods, that Im not disciplining them the right way, that Im not instilling the right values deep within them... the list goes on and on. Am I alone in this?! Please tell me Im not.

Being a parent comes with such an enormous responsibility - not only physical but emotional needs that must be met from each little person in your home. And the more kids you have the more people you have to worry about meeting those needs for! I feed my kids everyday, bathe them, get them to school, do their homework, etc. But its all the other things that stress me out. I want to raise kind, loving, helpful, selfless, respectful boys with good morals and standards - which in this day and age I feel is so difficult. The world around them is corrupt, growing dirtier and more selfish every day I feel. So many kids are living an "entitled" lifestyle and have every form of technology at their fingertips. Technology that can be so incredibly helpful and amazing, yet at the same time can be so damaging and hurtful when used the wrong way.

How do I raise my kids to be immune to this? To live in the world but not of it? How do I teach them to make good choices in bad situations, to love everyone, to stand up for those who need a friend. The best way I believe is to lead by example. But even that is hard because how do I get them to understand the moral of the story Im living? I pray all the time that I can be a good example to my children and that I can know how best to teach them all the things they need to learn, that I will understand and know their needs. I feel an enormous amount of responsibility to teach them to be good missionaries, good husbands and fathers. Its overwhelming.  

Do you ever think about what people would say about you if your funeral were today? I know thats a bit morbid and crazy, but really, I think about that sometimes. What memories have I left my children with that they would remember about me even when they are old? What memories have I left with others that they would remember me by if I werent here? If my funeral were today would it be filled with people who loved me and came because I had touched them somehow? If I werent around when my children were grown would they have fond memories of us together? Would they remember the moments we spent laughing and snuggling, watching movies and playing outside? I have to hope so. That is the fuel of my goal each day. My answer to these questions is if nothing else, my children would know that I loved them. They do know that I love them. Sometimes I say to Connor "Do you know I love you?" And his response, "I know Mom, you tell me all the time!" Its funny becuase he says it with an agitated tone as if saying stop telling me already. But, at least he knows! I can teach my children to be loving people by loving them. And if I can do nothing else right (which I hope that Im doing something else right!) then at least I know that they know I love them more than anything on this earth, with every last bone in my body and every inch of my heart.

Long time, no blog...

Well its been quite a while since I sat here to write... Since I last wrote my sweet little boy Henry was born on November 9th. I cant believe he is already nearing 5 months old! Where has the time gone? I am absolutely smitten with that little boy - I love every little thing about him and I can even begin to imagine my family without him in it. I know we were so blessed to have him join our family. We have been so blessed with 4 healthy, adorable little men.

 I wish I could say that the longing to have a little girl had subsided, but it hasnt. My family is feeling more and more complete, especially with the addition of Henry. But it still feels incomplete, and thats what Im left to sort out... whats missing? The more we talk about it and think about it, the more I feel like I am finished having children. The idea of never being pregnant again breaks my heart. I have spent such a large quantity of time over the past 5 years growing little humans that the thought of never again feeling a baby kick, or hearing its heart beat for the first time, or holding my baby for the first time after delivery makes my heart ache. Its a strange feeling. Such a mix bag of emotions. Happiness that I have been able to experience it and excitement that we are nearing the completion of our family and moving onto new and exciting chapters. But heart wrenching and difficult to accept that my body will never again host a growing child. And accepting that its the end of this chapter. I think about it every day. And by every day I dont mean just once a day... I mean a lot of the day. I am continually praying for clarification as to where our path should go.

Now back to the incomplete part... The more I think and pray about what we should do next the more I feel that adoption will be our route. Its not 100% our decision yet but Im feeling really good about heading that direction. Our tentative plan, which of course could always change and likely will, is to have a home study done in the beginning of next year. Adoption is a long a difficult process often times and so we dont want to waste time. A home study is good for a year. So we will get a approved and submit our information and then see what happens. Every now and then I get a strong feeling that there is a baby that is meant for us. I dont know who she is or when she will come, but I truly feel like she is on her way one way or another. There is always the possibility that we dont get chosen by any birth parents and if thats the case then it will be what was supposed to happen. Heavenly Father knows our path and knows whats best for our family. I have faith and trust that he will either make it happen or not depending on what is best. Only time and lots of prayer will tell.

I want to say how incredibly thankful I am for each of my little boys. They are such a wonderful blessing from heaven and I love them with my whole heart and more. Each of them has different talents and personalities and I am so blessed to be their mom. They can certainly be a handful... there are days where Im not sure Im going to make it to bedtime without being admitted to the looney house. But they are adventurous, wild, fun and busy. All things that are "boy" and I love them for it!

I plan to write more often. I feel like a blog is such a great way to get my thoughts and emotions out on the table and even if no one reads it, at least I got to verbalize it.

Whats been on my mind...

Well I haven't posted for a while because things have been crazy around here! We were out of town for two weeks and with summer in general we are just busy! So I havent had a lot of time to get on my computer and type out my feelings and thoughts.... although, I have wanted to almost every day. I constantly have thoughts running through my head, some good, some that make me feel sad, some that remind me its all ok and some that, as always, make me long to have a little girl.

I felt like I was really at peace for the most part about having a boy... and really I am for the most part. Now that I know he is a boy, I would never every change him. I love him for who he is (even if I dont know him yet) and I wouldnt go back and choose not to have him because he wasnt a girl... never. Somehow I really think down deep we always knew we would have four boys. I think back to when I was pregnant with Cameron and I remember thinking I hoped he was a girl so badly because that way if I had all boys after that it would be "ok." There have been many times where the idea of four boys has crossed my mind and even though each and every time I have hoped for a girl, I think we always kinda knew. I am so thankful to be blessed with each and every one of these precious spirits and I love them all so much.

But it seems everywhere I look, everywhere I turn there are things reminding me how badly I want a little girl and how Im not going to have one. Left and right friends are finding out they are having girls and as much as I want to be happy for them and feel nothing else, I am happy for them but my heart aches inside. Why couldnt it be me? I prayed just as hard as anyone else for a girl... I get so annoyed when I see people posting or saying things about how hard they prayed for a girl and they got an answer to their prayer. I prayed too, harder than you can imagine. I had times where I balled my eyes out in prayer begging to have a little girl... and what about my prayers? Does that mean they werent answered... I know thats not what it means but I feel like that sometimes. Im getting to the point where I dont even want to read my newsfeed on Facebook because every single time I do there is something that seems to rub in my face that I didnt get a girl... and then I want to cry and my heart breaks and I hate feeling like that. I just want to be that person. I want to be the one who got such a surprise, who after all my boys finally gets a girl. I pray every day that my turn will come. But still my heart doesnt feel complete, day after day.

Im so over this conversation... everywhere I go...

Stranger: "Oh, you must be having a girl this time, right?"
Me: "Nope, another boy." (trying to smile and feel annoyed that thats what they assume)
Stranger: "Oh..... (poor you face with an awkward laugh) Well maybe you should just try again!

Seriously. Im done with the "you should just try again" line. As if its as simple as just picking out a better fruit at the grocery store. This is a child your talking about. I cant just "try again" until I get a girl. Why cant people understand that? Children cost money and time and the more I have the more I have to divide my time and the more money to be spent which we cant do. Its not that simple. I dont know yet if we will try again. Im not sure whats in our future. But really... Im done with that conversation. And with the awkward laugh like they feel bad for me... even though I want a girl I still am happy about this baby and I want people to be happy for me. But it seems everyone, strangers and people I know, aren't as happy or excited because its "just another boy." Well he is my boy. And I am happy to have him join my family and I wish everyone would stop acting sorry for me that I didnt get a girl. Even though I have all these feelings I want happiness around me. It just makes it worse when people tiptoe around it. Or sometimes it feels like people dont want to talk to me about my pregnancy because they dont want to remind me Im having another boy or something. Just be happy for me so I can feel happiness around me!

I have lots of friends who long to just be pregnant... they dont care what they have, just a baby would suffice. I feel bad caring so much about what Im having when there are people who would do anything to just have a baby and be pregnant. In the end its the same type of emotion... a longing for something you want so badly and cant have or control. I know they see FB posts about people being pregnant and feel the same way I feel about seeing ones about people having girls. Their hearts break each time. I remember feeling that way when I wanted to be pregnant so bad with Cameron. I dont want to be criticized for feeling the way I feel. Thats why I blog. Facebook can be cruel, people take things the wrong way and say things that they dont really mean or would never say to your face. So its helpful to just blog and get it out there where only the people who care enough to read it will do so and have an opinion. I know I still put myself out there for criticism but at least hopefully those reading this will try to understand my heart and where Im coming from and not be too judgmental.

I pray every day for peace of mind that I can remember that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me that I dont know. One that would be much better than the plan I would have for myself Im sure. I try to remember that this isnt it... that there are opportunities for our family to have a girl in the future if thats whats in the plan for us.

It doesnt get easier... it just gets different.

The title is talking about parenting. When your kids are really little - babies - it seems so much of your existence is spent keeping them alive, fed, clean, happy, etc. When your nursing your glued to your couch most the day. When you have a fussy baby who wont calm down you look forward to the day when they are older and wont be crying like this. The list goes on and on. Your constantly waiting for something to get easier, something to change. And some things do. But overall the difficult things just shift to different difficult things. Hence the title, it doesnt get easier, it just gets different.

Cameron is in a stage where things are getting "different." He is much easier in so many ways, I mean, he can still be a handful, but he listens much better usually and is starting to do chores and be more helpful around the house. But in so many ways its getting trickier. He is at a stage where he has lots of questions, sometimes hard ones to answer. Sometimes ones that break my heart. He has become very curious and confused by death and what happens after. So he often has questions about that. I often laugh after talking to him because he says the funniest things while trying to process. He also is at a stage where he is getting ready to go to school. With that, and all the sad and terrible things we see these days, he has to understand what to do in case of any kind of terrible situation that could happen. Like what to do if someone comes in shooting (yea, terrible I have to prepare him for that....) or if someone tries to take him or do anything inappropriate with him. Its all so overwhelming. So he sometimes has questions about that. I always tell him "if someone is trying to hurt you, just run away, run fast and until you find someone to help you." My heart hurts thinking of all the things we have to prepare our kids for these days. Things I dont think our parents would have even fathomed. Back when the Sandy Hook thing happened he saw me crying and asked why. I of course was being super lovey and huggy at that time and I just told him I was said because someone had hurt some little kids and it made me cry. I realized immediatly I shouldnt have said anything, but at the same time I wanted him to know that if someone ever comes in at school shooting what he should do. But what should he do? I heard a study that showed that people who ran in mass shootings instead of hiding were more likely to live. I tell him to run. I dont know. Just thinking and typing it all breaks my heart. Why do I have to talk to my sweet little 5 year old about things like this?! Tonight he asked me about it again and hasnt brought it up for a while. I reminded him that every time we pray to Heavenly Father we ask him to keep up safe and to watch over us. And that if we do that he will keep us safe. Thats the best thing we can do is have faith. I reminded him that Heavenly Father and Mommy and Daddy will keep him safe if he listens to us and follows what we tell him.

Basically what Im getting at is that he is coming into a whole new level of understanding. And its a whole new kind of parenting. Difficult questions with difficult answers. Parenting is such a tricky job. Im sure it just gets trickier and trickier the older the kids get. Trying to find a balance between telling them just enough for their sake of understanding but not over telling to frighten or scare them or even just to have too much info too young. I want my kids to understand that there are dangers in the world and how to avoid them if they can. But how do you do that without scaring them. The joys of parenting, right? Unfortunatly we all make mistakes in parenting. Our parents did too Im sure. But all we can do is rely on the Lord to guide us and rely on what we feel is best for our kids, not what others tell us is right. We as parents have been giving inspiration as to what is best for our families and children and I think its important that we remember that in all our decisions. WE know best. Not our neighbors, friends, random ladies in the grocery store (lol) or even family sometimes. So thats my plan to try to get through all these quesitons and shifting of parenting style I guess you could say as we transition into a new kind of parenting with him. My plan is to listen to what I feel is best and to listen to what I feel the Lord would want me to do.

Bad day...

Today seems to be a crummy day mentally. Everything I see, read and hear seems to remind me that Im not having a girl. Im having a hard time today. Feeling emotional, frustrated, depressed for some reason. Ijust wanna lay in bed and do nothing. I dont know why today Im feeling this way... I have been ok for the most part, today is just wierd. :/ Ilove this little baby no matter what, he is so precious to me... I would never change who he is. Its just hard for me to deal with not having a girl. My heart just hurts today :(

Chore Punch Card

Here is a chore punch card printable that I made up for my kids... every morning if they help with morning chores they get a punch on their card. Then if they do extra chores or do something really special or are really helpful somehow they can earn punches each day too. They love getting to punch it each time and it has really been working for us! You can download it and use it too if you want! :)

Ups and Downs

I havent written for a while because I have been super busy and super tired! And all my computer time has been spent working on editing. But although I havent been blogging I have had a lot on my mind.

Most days Im very ok with having another boy, I think its maybe something I knew all along and just hoped I would get a girl but knew I would have boys. There are just moments, where someone says something about having a girl themselves or when I think about what Im missing out on by not having a girl. When I see a mom doing her daughters hair or a little girl twirling in her dress at church... In those moments it makes my heart hurt. I get so frustrated and annoyed when people try to convince me its a good thing and I dont want a girl anyway because they are moody or difficult teenagers or whatever. It just makes me mad. I hate feeling so happy and so empty at the same time.

The more I learn about adoption the more I realize that it will be a long, difficult path that may amount to nothing in the end. There are families who have been waiting years and years to get a child and still havent. There is nothing to make me think that we will be the exception. Then I think about the option to have another baby after this and I dont know that thats the right direction for us either. Im sure I would have a 5th boy and still have a void, even though I would love him and he would still be wonderful, I would still feel empty in a certain part of my life and heart. Its kind of difficult not knowing what the future holds for us in this department. All I know for sure is I dont feel like we are done after this baby and I dont feel complete without a daughter either.

But then there are days where I feel like maybe I was made to raise boys. Not that the calling of a mother of boys is more divine or special but somehow I feel like I have been intrusted with a great responsibility... to raise boys who will be great missionaries, husbands and fathers. In a time where I feel like the world has so much turmoil and times are obviously hard and not going to be getting better I feel overwhelmed with this responsibility. Its my job to teach my boys to love the Lord and want to teach his word and spread his gospel. To be loving and respectful husbands and involved and caring fathers. This is my role.

I am redoing their bedroom right now. After Henry is born all three older boys will need to be in one bedroom, yikes, I know. So we got bunk beds for Cameron and Connor and Colton will have a twin bed we will set up when the time nears. I decided to aid in my role I am doing their room in a missionary theme. I have a large map I have hung up and my friend is cutting vinyl for me that says "I hope they call me on a mission" to hang above the map. I have some cute printables I am going to frame and hang around the room that have pictures of the temple that say "I love to see the temple" and "called to serve." I also have printables Im going to do that are encouraging words, like "I can do hard things" and such. I got them all matching bed sets and Im building them a bookshelf for all their books. I cant wait for it to be done!

I also have been accumulating things for Henry's room. I got a rug, lamp, wall hangings, etc. Once we move Colton out in a couple months Im going to pain the crib white and I found a white double dresser at Ikea that Im going to get. I need to color my rockers pads to be grey and paint the rocker white. I found a light fixture Im going to hang.... It will all come together! Im so excited for him to use it when he arrives!

I had an ultrasound the other day and he is healthy and growing well. Im so thankful to be blessed with three beautiful, healthy, sweet little boys and that Henry is healthy thus far as well. I cant wait to meet him and hold him and have him as a part of our family!