Well its been quite a while since I sat here to write... Since I last wrote my sweet little boy Henry was born on November 9th. I cant believe he is already nearing 5 months old! Where has the time gone? I am absolutely smitten with that little boy - I love every little thing about him and I can even begin to imagine my family without him in it. I know we were so blessed to have him join our family. We have been so blessed with 4 healthy, adorable little men.
I wish I could say that the longing to have a little girl had subsided, but it hasnt. My family is feeling more and more complete, especially with the addition of Henry. But it still feels incomplete, and thats what Im left to sort out... whats missing? The more we talk about it and think about it, the more I feel like I am finished having children. The idea of never being pregnant again breaks my heart. I have spent such a large quantity of time over the past 5 years growing little humans that the thought of never again feeling a baby kick, or hearing its heart beat for the first time, or holding my baby for the first time after delivery makes my heart ache. Its a strange feeling. Such a mix bag of emotions. Happiness that I have been able to experience it and excitement that we are nearing the completion of our family and moving onto new and exciting chapters. But heart wrenching and difficult to accept that my body will never again host a growing child. And accepting that its the end of this chapter. I think about it every day. And by every day I dont mean just once a day... I mean a lot of the day. I am continually praying for clarification as to where our path should go.
Now back to the incomplete part... The more I think and pray about what we should do next the more I feel that adoption will be our route. Its not 100% our decision yet but Im feeling really good about heading that direction. Our tentative plan, which of course could always change and likely will, is to have a home study done in the beginning of next year. Adoption is a long a difficult process often times and so we dont want to waste time. A home study is good for a year. So we will get a approved and submit our information and then see what happens. Every now and then I get a strong feeling that there is a baby that is meant for us. I dont know who she is or when she will come, but I truly feel like she is on her way one way or another. There is always the possibility that we dont get chosen by any birth parents and if thats the case then it will be what was supposed to happen. Heavenly Father knows our path and knows whats best for our family. I have faith and trust that he will either make it happen or not depending on what is best. Only time and lots of prayer will tell.
I want to say how incredibly thankful I am for each of my little boys. They are such a wonderful blessing from heaven and I love them with my whole heart and more. Each of them has different talents and personalities and I am so blessed to be their mom. They can certainly be a handful... there are days where Im not sure Im going to make it to bedtime without being admitted to the looney house. But they are adventurous, wild, fun and busy. All things that are "boy" and I love them for it!
I plan to write more often. I feel like a blog is such a great way to get my thoughts and emotions out on the table and even if no one reads it, at least I got to verbalize it.
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