Well I haven't posted for a while because things have been crazy around here! We were out of town for two weeks and with summer in general we are just busy! So I havent had a lot of time to get on my computer and type out my feelings and thoughts.... although, I have wanted to almost every day. I constantly have thoughts running through my head, some good, some that make me feel sad, some that remind me its all ok and some that, as always, make me long to have a little girl.
I felt like I was really at peace for the most part about having a boy... and really I am for the most part. Now that I know he is a boy, I would never every change him. I love him for who he is (even if I dont know him yet) and I wouldnt go back and choose not to have him because he wasnt a girl... never. Somehow I really think down deep we always knew we would have four boys. I think back to when I was pregnant with Cameron and I remember thinking I hoped he was a girl so badly because that way if I had all boys after that it would be "ok." There have been many times where the idea of four boys has crossed my mind and even though each and every time I have hoped for a girl, I think we always kinda knew. I am so thankful to be blessed with each and every one of these precious spirits and I love them all so much.
But it seems everywhere I look, everywhere I turn there are things reminding me how badly I want a little girl and how Im not going to have one. Left and right friends are finding out they are having girls and as much as I want to be happy for them and feel nothing else, I am happy for them but my heart aches inside. Why couldnt it be me? I prayed just as hard as anyone else for a girl... I get so annoyed when I see people posting or saying things about how hard they prayed for a girl and they got an answer to their prayer. I prayed too, harder than you can imagine. I had times where I balled my eyes out in prayer begging to have a little girl... and what about my prayers? Does that mean they werent answered... I know thats not what it means but I feel like that sometimes. Im getting to the point where I dont even want to read my newsfeed on Facebook because every single time I do there is something that seems to rub in my face that I didnt get a girl... and then I want to cry and my heart breaks and I hate feeling like that. I just want to be that person. I want to be the one who got such a surprise, who after all my boys finally gets a girl. I pray every day that my turn will come. But still my heart doesnt feel complete, day after day.
Im so over this conversation... everywhere I go...
Stranger: "Oh, you must be having a girl this time, right?"
Me: "Nope, another boy." (trying to smile and feel annoyed that thats what they assume)
Stranger: "Oh..... (poor you face with an awkward laugh) Well maybe you should just try again!
Seriously. Im done with the "you should just try again" line. As if its as simple as just picking out a better fruit at the grocery store. This is a child your talking about. I cant just "try again" until I get a girl. Why cant people understand that? Children cost money and time and the more I have the more I have to divide my time and the more money to be spent which we cant do. Its not that simple. I dont know yet if we will try again. Im not sure whats in our future. But really... Im done with that conversation. And with the awkward laugh like they feel bad for me... even though I want a girl I still am happy about this baby and I want people to be happy for me. But it seems everyone, strangers and people I know, aren't as happy or excited because its "just another boy." Well he is my boy. And I am happy to have him join my family and I wish everyone would stop acting sorry for me that I didnt get a girl. Even though I have all these feelings I want happiness around me. It just makes it worse when people tiptoe around it. Or sometimes it feels like people dont want to talk to me about my pregnancy because they dont want to remind me Im having another boy or something. Just be happy for me so I can feel happiness around me!
I have lots of friends who long to just be pregnant... they dont care what they have, just a baby would suffice. I feel bad caring so much about what Im having when there are people who would do anything to just have a baby and be pregnant. In the end its the same type of emotion... a longing for something you want so badly and cant have or control. I know they see FB posts about people being pregnant and feel the same way I feel about seeing ones about people having girls. Their hearts break each time. I remember feeling that way when I wanted to be pregnant so bad with Cameron. I dont want to be criticized for feeling the way I feel. Thats why I blog. Facebook can be cruel, people take things the wrong way and say things that they dont really mean or would never say to your face. So its helpful to just blog and get it out there where only the people who care enough to read it will do so and have an opinion. I know I still put myself out there for criticism but at least hopefully those reading this will try to understand my heart and where Im coming from and not be too judgmental.
I pray every day for peace of mind that I can remember that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me that I dont know. One that would be much better than the plan I would have for myself Im sure. I try to remember that this isnt it... that there are opportunities for our family to have a girl in the future if thats whats in the plan for us.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
It doesnt get easier... it just gets different.
The title is talking about parenting. When your kids are really little - babies - it seems so much of your existence is spent keeping them alive, fed, clean, happy, etc. When your nursing your glued to your couch most the day. When you have a fussy baby who wont calm down you look forward to the day when they are older and wont be crying like this. The list goes on and on. Your constantly waiting for something to get easier, something to change. And some things do. But overall the difficult things just shift to different difficult things. Hence the title, it doesnt get easier, it just gets different.
Cameron is in a stage where things are getting "different." He is much easier in so many ways, I mean, he can still be a handful, but he listens much better usually and is starting to do chores and be more helpful around the house. But in so many ways its getting trickier. He is at a stage where he has lots of questions, sometimes hard ones to answer. Sometimes ones that break my heart. He has become very curious and confused by death and what happens after. So he often has questions about that. I often laugh after talking to him because he says the funniest things while trying to process. He also is at a stage where he is getting ready to go to school. With that, and all the sad and terrible things we see these days, he has to understand what to do in case of any kind of terrible situation that could happen. Like what to do if someone comes in shooting (yea, terrible I have to prepare him for that....) or if someone tries to take him or do anything inappropriate with him. Its all so overwhelming. So he sometimes has questions about that. I always tell him "if someone is trying to hurt you, just run away, run fast and until you find someone to help you." My heart hurts thinking of all the things we have to prepare our kids for these days. Things I dont think our parents would have even fathomed. Back when the Sandy Hook thing happened he saw me crying and asked why. I of course was being super lovey and huggy at that time and I just told him I was said because someone had hurt some little kids and it made me cry. I realized immediatly I shouldnt have said anything, but at the same time I wanted him to know that if someone ever comes in at school shooting what he should do. But what should he do? I heard a study that showed that people who ran in mass shootings instead of hiding were more likely to live. I tell him to run. I dont know. Just thinking and typing it all breaks my heart. Why do I have to talk to my sweet little 5 year old about things like this?! Tonight he asked me about it again and hasnt brought it up for a while. I reminded him that every time we pray to Heavenly Father we ask him to keep up safe and to watch over us. And that if we do that he will keep us safe. Thats the best thing we can do is have faith. I reminded him that Heavenly Father and Mommy and Daddy will keep him safe if he listens to us and follows what we tell him.
Basically what Im getting at is that he is coming into a whole new level of understanding. And its a whole new kind of parenting. Difficult questions with difficult answers. Parenting is such a tricky job. Im sure it just gets trickier and trickier the older the kids get. Trying to find a balance between telling them just enough for their sake of understanding but not over telling to frighten or scare them or even just to have too much info too young. I want my kids to understand that there are dangers in the world and how to avoid them if they can. But how do you do that without scaring them. The joys of parenting, right? Unfortunatly we all make mistakes in parenting. Our parents did too Im sure. But all we can do is rely on the Lord to guide us and rely on what we feel is best for our kids, not what others tell us is right. We as parents have been giving inspiration as to what is best for our families and children and I think its important that we remember that in all our decisions. WE know best. Not our neighbors, friends, random ladies in the grocery store (lol) or even family sometimes. So thats my plan to try to get through all these quesitons and shifting of parenting style I guess you could say as we transition into a new kind of parenting with him. My plan is to listen to what I feel is best and to listen to what I feel the Lord would want me to do.
Cameron is in a stage where things are getting "different." He is much easier in so many ways, I mean, he can still be a handful, but he listens much better usually and is starting to do chores and be more helpful around the house. But in so many ways its getting trickier. He is at a stage where he has lots of questions, sometimes hard ones to answer. Sometimes ones that break my heart. He has become very curious and confused by death and what happens after. So he often has questions about that. I often laugh after talking to him because he says the funniest things while trying to process. He also is at a stage where he is getting ready to go to school. With that, and all the sad and terrible things we see these days, he has to understand what to do in case of any kind of terrible situation that could happen. Like what to do if someone comes in shooting (yea, terrible I have to prepare him for that....) or if someone tries to take him or do anything inappropriate with him. Its all so overwhelming. So he sometimes has questions about that. I always tell him "if someone is trying to hurt you, just run away, run fast and until you find someone to help you." My heart hurts thinking of all the things we have to prepare our kids for these days. Things I dont think our parents would have even fathomed. Back when the Sandy Hook thing happened he saw me crying and asked why. I of course was being super lovey and huggy at that time and I just told him I was said because someone had hurt some little kids and it made me cry. I realized immediatly I shouldnt have said anything, but at the same time I wanted him to know that if someone ever comes in at school shooting what he should do. But what should he do? I heard a study that showed that people who ran in mass shootings instead of hiding were more likely to live. I tell him to run. I dont know. Just thinking and typing it all breaks my heart. Why do I have to talk to my sweet little 5 year old about things like this?! Tonight he asked me about it again and hasnt brought it up for a while. I reminded him that every time we pray to Heavenly Father we ask him to keep up safe and to watch over us. And that if we do that he will keep us safe. Thats the best thing we can do is have faith. I reminded him that Heavenly Father and Mommy and Daddy will keep him safe if he listens to us and follows what we tell him.
Basically what Im getting at is that he is coming into a whole new level of understanding. And its a whole new kind of parenting. Difficult questions with difficult answers. Parenting is such a tricky job. Im sure it just gets trickier and trickier the older the kids get. Trying to find a balance between telling them just enough for their sake of understanding but not over telling to frighten or scare them or even just to have too much info too young. I want my kids to understand that there are dangers in the world and how to avoid them if they can. But how do you do that without scaring them. The joys of parenting, right? Unfortunatly we all make mistakes in parenting. Our parents did too Im sure. But all we can do is rely on the Lord to guide us and rely on what we feel is best for our kids, not what others tell us is right. We as parents have been giving inspiration as to what is best for our families and children and I think its important that we remember that in all our decisions. WE know best. Not our neighbors, friends, random ladies in the grocery store (lol) or even family sometimes. So thats my plan to try to get through all these quesitons and shifting of parenting style I guess you could say as we transition into a new kind of parenting with him. My plan is to listen to what I feel is best and to listen to what I feel the Lord would want me to do.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Bad day...
Today seems to be a crummy day mentally. Everything I see, read and hear seems to remind me that Im not having a girl. Im having a hard time today. Feeling emotional, frustrated, depressed for some reason. Ijust wanna lay in bed and do nothing. I dont know why today Im feeling this way... I have been ok for the most part, today is just wierd. :/ Ilove this little baby no matter what, he is so precious to me... I would never change who he is. Its just hard for me to deal with not having a girl. My heart just hurts today :(
Chore Punch Card
Ups and Downs
I havent written for a while because I have been super busy and super tired! And all my computer time has been spent working on editing. But although I havent been blogging I have had a lot on my mind.
Most days Im very ok with having another boy, I think its maybe something I knew all along and just hoped I would get a girl but knew I would have boys. There are just moments, where someone says something about having a girl themselves or when I think about what Im missing out on by not having a girl. When I see a mom doing her daughters hair or a little girl twirling in her dress at church... In those moments it makes my heart hurt. I get so frustrated and annoyed when people try to convince me its a good thing and I dont want a girl anyway because they are moody or difficult teenagers or whatever. It just makes me mad. I hate feeling so happy and so empty at the same time.
The more I learn about adoption the more I realize that it will be a long, difficult path that may amount to nothing in the end. There are families who have been waiting years and years to get a child and still havent. There is nothing to make me think that we will be the exception. Then I think about the option to have another baby after this and I dont know that thats the right direction for us either. Im sure I would have a 5th boy and still have a void, even though I would love him and he would still be wonderful, I would still feel empty in a certain part of my life and heart. Its kind of difficult not knowing what the future holds for us in this department. All I know for sure is I dont feel like we are done after this baby and I dont feel complete without a daughter either.
But then there are days where I feel like maybe I was made to raise boys. Not that the calling of a mother of boys is more divine or special but somehow I feel like I have been intrusted with a great responsibility... to raise boys who will be great missionaries, husbands and fathers. In a time where I feel like the world has so much turmoil and times are obviously hard and not going to be getting better I feel overwhelmed with this responsibility. Its my job to teach my boys to love the Lord and want to teach his word and spread his gospel. To be loving and respectful husbands and involved and caring fathers. This is my role.
I am redoing their bedroom right now. After Henry is born all three older boys will need to be in one bedroom, yikes, I know. So we got bunk beds for Cameron and Connor and Colton will have a twin bed we will set up when the time nears. I decided to aid in my role I am doing their room in a missionary theme. I have a large map I have hung up and my friend is cutting vinyl for me that says "I hope they call me on a mission" to hang above the map. I have some cute printables I am going to frame and hang around the room that have pictures of the temple that say "I love to see the temple" and "called to serve." I also have printables Im going to do that are encouraging words, like "I can do hard things" and such. I got them all matching bed sets and Im building them a bookshelf for all their books. I cant wait for it to be done!
I also have been accumulating things for Henry's room. I got a rug, lamp, wall hangings, etc. Once we move Colton out in a couple months Im going to pain the crib white and I found a white double dresser at Ikea that Im going to get. I need to color my rockers pads to be grey and paint the rocker white. I found a light fixture Im going to hang.... It will all come together! Im so excited for him to use it when he arrives!
I had an ultrasound the other day and he is healthy and growing well. Im so thankful to be blessed with three beautiful, healthy, sweet little boys and that Henry is healthy thus far as well. I cant wait to meet him and hold him and have him as a part of our family!
Most days Im very ok with having another boy, I think its maybe something I knew all along and just hoped I would get a girl but knew I would have boys. There are just moments, where someone says something about having a girl themselves or when I think about what Im missing out on by not having a girl. When I see a mom doing her daughters hair or a little girl twirling in her dress at church... In those moments it makes my heart hurt. I get so frustrated and annoyed when people try to convince me its a good thing and I dont want a girl anyway because they are moody or difficult teenagers or whatever. It just makes me mad. I hate feeling so happy and so empty at the same time.
The more I learn about adoption the more I realize that it will be a long, difficult path that may amount to nothing in the end. There are families who have been waiting years and years to get a child and still havent. There is nothing to make me think that we will be the exception. Then I think about the option to have another baby after this and I dont know that thats the right direction for us either. Im sure I would have a 5th boy and still have a void, even though I would love him and he would still be wonderful, I would still feel empty in a certain part of my life and heart. Its kind of difficult not knowing what the future holds for us in this department. All I know for sure is I dont feel like we are done after this baby and I dont feel complete without a daughter either.
But then there are days where I feel like maybe I was made to raise boys. Not that the calling of a mother of boys is more divine or special but somehow I feel like I have been intrusted with a great responsibility... to raise boys who will be great missionaries, husbands and fathers. In a time where I feel like the world has so much turmoil and times are obviously hard and not going to be getting better I feel overwhelmed with this responsibility. Its my job to teach my boys to love the Lord and want to teach his word and spread his gospel. To be loving and respectful husbands and involved and caring fathers. This is my role.
I am redoing their bedroom right now. After Henry is born all three older boys will need to be in one bedroom, yikes, I know. So we got bunk beds for Cameron and Connor and Colton will have a twin bed we will set up when the time nears. I decided to aid in my role I am doing their room in a missionary theme. I have a large map I have hung up and my friend is cutting vinyl for me that says "I hope they call me on a mission" to hang above the map. I have some cute printables I am going to frame and hang around the room that have pictures of the temple that say "I love to see the temple" and "called to serve." I also have printables Im going to do that are encouraging words, like "I can do hard things" and such. I got them all matching bed sets and Im building them a bookshelf for all their books. I cant wait for it to be done!
I also have been accumulating things for Henry's room. I got a rug, lamp, wall hangings, etc. Once we move Colton out in a couple months Im going to pain the crib white and I found a white double dresser at Ikea that Im going to get. I need to color my rockers pads to be grey and paint the rocker white. I found a light fixture Im going to hang.... It will all come together! Im so excited for him to use it when he arrives!
I had an ultrasound the other day and he is healthy and growing well. Im so thankful to be blessed with three beautiful, healthy, sweet little boys and that Henry is healthy thus far as well. I cant wait to meet him and hold him and have him as a part of our family!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Where to start....
I havent written for a few days because I have been processing. I am so happy and relieved that he looks healthy and that all is well with my little boy <3 Now that I know he is a boy and he has a name and he feels more real I wouldnt change him for the world. Its funny how that works. As if before he wasnt real... but somehow now that I know what gender he is, I saw him looking like a baby in there and I have given him a name he is more of a person to me. Its weird. I kind of dont know where to start to explain or let out my emotions from the past few days....
I, of course, balled like a lunatic for the first little while after I found out he was a boy. Not because he was a boy but because my last chance, my final try for a girl wasnt going to come true. I was struggling to accept that I wouldnt have a girl of my own. And that kills me. Unless we are able to adopt or Heavenly Father decides to somehow bless us with a girl I will never have a daughter, I will never have a daughter who wants me in the room when she has a baby of her own, or get to plan her wedding, or have a first date, etc. I wont know what a little girl of ours would look like or be like. Its hard. I felt like after three boys I somehow deserved at least one girl. Aside from being so happy that this little guy will be joining our family and that he is healthy I have felt so many other emotions, again, not because he is a boy, not at all. Just because of what I will be missing out on. A few times I have felt angry - angry that I prayed so hard for a little girl and didnt get one. Then I realize that thats silly. I have felt a little disappointed and discouraged. I have felt an overwhelming sense of how important my job is as a mom of all boys, my need to prepare them for missions and to be good husbands. I have felt heartbroken that it wasnt time to have a little girl join our family. I also get so mad for some reason when people tell me about how they wanted their last to be a girl so bad because they only had one girl and two boys but instead they got a boy - they had a girl! It just bugs me. I also cant stand how everyone keeps telling me "oh well, you will one day get daughter in laws! And maybe granddaughters." Its not the same. As great as that will be, not the above mentioned things I am struggling with. My daughter in laws most likely wont want me there when they deliver their babies or want help planning their weddings, etc. I feel frustrated because my whole life I imagined myself with a little girl, at least one, of my own. And as I mentioned in a past post that I had an experience that made me know we were meant to have a girl in our family... so I feel frustrated because she isnt coming and it makes me wonder why I would feel that if I keep having boys. Obviously adoption is a very strong possibility, but still, Im frustrated right now too. Im pretty sure I cant write or remember every emotion I have felt the past few days. Cameron has said to me a few times "I dont want another brother, I want a sister." And that of course breaks my heart. I have to explain how much we love this brother and that just because we want a sister it doesnt mean we wont love this brother and that he will be so excited to have three little brothers! I sure do love my little boys, all of them, born or unborn, they are all so amazing and special. I cant wait to meet this one!
Im rambling.... sorry.
In my hysterical breakdown Bret agreed to a name he wasnt 100% sold on but that I love, Henry Lewis Madsen. I LOVE it! I know, I know, Im breaking away from the "C" theme, but I just couldnt commit to Carson, I didnt love it. I feel like each pregnancy is a repeat of the last, another boy, same nursery, same clothes, same everything except a different baby. So to help myself feel better and like its new and exciting I am going to redo our nursery! Im exicted! I found an inspiration photo of a nursery I love! Its orange, bright green, teal and grey. I will be making wall art with Dr Suess quotes and other such things and getting an all new crib set, painting my crib etc. Im so excited!
Another thing I have a hard time with is that people seem awkward around me or talking to me about it now. As if they dont want to say anything. Barely anyone has said in person "Congratulations" or anything like that. They all just seem to ignore the subject, it really bugs me. It makes me feel like they arent happy or excited for me. Just because I didnt get a girl doesnt mean Im not happy and excited and want to talk about this baby! Just something I have noticed.
Bret and I both have agreed that after little Henry is born we will start praying about what we should do, what our path should be. If he wants us to try again (which if thats the case then he better well send me a girl lol) or if he wants us to pursue and look into adoption. I really deep inside me feel that there is a little girl for us. That she is meant to be a part of our family. I don't know how or when she will come apart of it but I know that somehow we will find her, whether it be through adoption or if the Lord sends her to us biologically. Its such a strange feeling having your heart feel so full and so empty all at once. Its full knowing this precious little boy is healthy and he will be joining our family in November, but empty knowing that I may never have a little girl and that if I do (which I hope and pray) that I have no idea how she will come to our family.
Im thankful Heavenly Father has blessed us with three healthy children and that this little guy so far seems to be healthy and growing like he should. His little profile photo from the ultrasound was so cute! He looks like he has an adorable little nose :) I get to have another ultrasound at 18 weeks, so in 2 1/2 more weeks for the anatomy scan to look at his kidneys, heart, brain, etc. I pray that he continues to grow and be healthy and there arent any problems or complications with this pregnancy. I love my little boy, I cant wait to start feeling him move more and more (I have felt a few little wiggles already!) and to meet him and snuggle him and have him here!
I, of course, balled like a lunatic for the first little while after I found out he was a boy. Not because he was a boy but because my last chance, my final try for a girl wasnt going to come true. I was struggling to accept that I wouldnt have a girl of my own. And that kills me. Unless we are able to adopt or Heavenly Father decides to somehow bless us with a girl I will never have a daughter, I will never have a daughter who wants me in the room when she has a baby of her own, or get to plan her wedding, or have a first date, etc. I wont know what a little girl of ours would look like or be like. Its hard. I felt like after three boys I somehow deserved at least one girl. Aside from being so happy that this little guy will be joining our family and that he is healthy I have felt so many other emotions, again, not because he is a boy, not at all. Just because of what I will be missing out on. A few times I have felt angry - angry that I prayed so hard for a little girl and didnt get one. Then I realize that thats silly. I have felt a little disappointed and discouraged. I have felt an overwhelming sense of how important my job is as a mom of all boys, my need to prepare them for missions and to be good husbands. I have felt heartbroken that it wasnt time to have a little girl join our family. I also get so mad for some reason when people tell me about how they wanted their last to be a girl so bad because they only had one girl and two boys but instead they got a boy - they had a girl! It just bugs me. I also cant stand how everyone keeps telling me "oh well, you will one day get daughter in laws! And maybe granddaughters." Its not the same. As great as that will be, not the above mentioned things I am struggling with. My daughter in laws most likely wont want me there when they deliver their babies or want help planning their weddings, etc. I feel frustrated because my whole life I imagined myself with a little girl, at least one, of my own. And as I mentioned in a past post that I had an experience that made me know we were meant to have a girl in our family... so I feel frustrated because she isnt coming and it makes me wonder why I would feel that if I keep having boys. Obviously adoption is a very strong possibility, but still, Im frustrated right now too. Im pretty sure I cant write or remember every emotion I have felt the past few days. Cameron has said to me a few times "I dont want another brother, I want a sister." And that of course breaks my heart. I have to explain how much we love this brother and that just because we want a sister it doesnt mean we wont love this brother and that he will be so excited to have three little brothers! I sure do love my little boys, all of them, born or unborn, they are all so amazing and special. I cant wait to meet this one!
Im rambling.... sorry.
In my hysterical breakdown Bret agreed to a name he wasnt 100% sold on but that I love, Henry Lewis Madsen. I LOVE it! I know, I know, Im breaking away from the "C" theme, but I just couldnt commit to Carson, I didnt love it. I feel like each pregnancy is a repeat of the last, another boy, same nursery, same clothes, same everything except a different baby. So to help myself feel better and like its new and exciting I am going to redo our nursery! Im exicted! I found an inspiration photo of a nursery I love! Its orange, bright green, teal and grey. I will be making wall art with Dr Suess quotes and other such things and getting an all new crib set, painting my crib etc. Im so excited!
Another thing I have a hard time with is that people seem awkward around me or talking to me about it now. As if they dont want to say anything. Barely anyone has said in person "Congratulations" or anything like that. They all just seem to ignore the subject, it really bugs me. It makes me feel like they arent happy or excited for me. Just because I didnt get a girl doesnt mean Im not happy and excited and want to talk about this baby! Just something I have noticed.
Bret and I both have agreed that after little Henry is born we will start praying about what we should do, what our path should be. If he wants us to try again (which if thats the case then he better well send me a girl lol) or if he wants us to pursue and look into adoption. I really deep inside me feel that there is a little girl for us. That she is meant to be a part of our family. I don't know how or when she will come apart of it but I know that somehow we will find her, whether it be through adoption or if the Lord sends her to us biologically. Its such a strange feeling having your heart feel so full and so empty all at once. Its full knowing this precious little boy is healthy and he will be joining our family in November, but empty knowing that I may never have a little girl and that if I do (which I hope and pray) that I have no idea how she will come to our family.
Im thankful Heavenly Father has blessed us with three healthy children and that this little guy so far seems to be healthy and growing like he should. His little profile photo from the ultrasound was so cute! He looks like he has an adorable little nose :) I get to have another ultrasound at 18 weeks, so in 2 1/2 more weeks for the anatomy scan to look at his kidneys, heart, brain, etc. I pray that he continues to grow and be healthy and there arent any problems or complications with this pregnancy. I love my little boy, I cant wait to start feeling him move more and more (I have felt a few little wiggles already!) and to meet him and snuggle him and have him here!
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Its a.....
Its a boy!! 4 boys.... no girls! I need to accept my reality that my future will be filled with mud and noise.... more to come on this subject later, Im exhausted tonight!! We are excited to meet our little guy and welcome him into our family come November!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
How many emotions can you feel at once!?
Tomorrow is the day we get to find out what we are having! Im so incredibly excited... nervous, scared, anxious... pretty much every emotion I can feel right now Im feeling it. I know whats done is done and whatever it is is what it is... but once I have seen it and the U/S tech says it, it just seems so final... probably because it is. I think what Im having the hardest time with is that Im pretty sure its another boy, and if its a boy after tomorrow I no longer can cling to "hope" anymore. And just have to accept my reality that I will not have any biological daughters. And depending on how difficult adoption is, I may not have any daughters. Thats a really really hard pill for me to swallow. So hard that as I typed those last few sentences my heart felt broken and my eyes welled with tears. I cant imagine not having a daughter at all. I have always felt like I would have one and knowing that the possibility of not ever having one is so hard for me. Regardless of the outcome tomorrow, boy or girl, I will be so happy and excited for this baby, just like I am now. I have never felt so much anxiety before going in for a gender ultrasound.
In the beginning of this pregnancy I had no real inclination. I didnt really feel like it was for sure a boy or a girl. Only within the past week or two have I started to really feel like its another boy. Between the ultrasound (which I know was early, but there was something there...) and a few dreams that it was a boy Im starting to feel like its Heavenly Fathers way of telling me I dont always get what I want and to prepare myself ahead of time for another boy. I know to some it may sound ridiculous that I am having such a hard time with this all. I know some think and say I should "just be thankful that I can have a child at all." I have never said I wasnt thankful for this child or for my ability to be pregnant and carry a baby to term. I think very few people can understand what Im feeling right now. And I know a lot of people think Im crazy and that Im ungrateful or selfish, which frustrates me to no end because its definatly not the case. I met a girl this week in the same boat as me, three boys and pregnant with her fourth and wanting a girl so bad. It was refreshing to talk with her because for the first time I felt like someone understood my feelings. Its incredibly frustrating and difficult when you know every person who listens to you when you need to vent or talk about stuff doesnt really understand what your feeling.
Even though I havent had any real issues with this pregnancy this has by far been my hardest pregnancies so far. Not physically, but emotionally. Im kinda a wreck most days, at least I feel like that. I cry over the silliest things, seeing a mom doing her daughters hair, posts on FB about how much someone loves their daughter, girls clothes in stores, etc. Everything seems to remind me that I may not have a daughter of my own. I have always been a little emotional in pregnancy, usually toward the end more so. But this time it came on as soon as I was pregnant and has seemed to get worse the closer I get to finding out what Im having. I feel some kind of relief though about tomorrow. After tomorrow I will know, there wont be any more guessing or hope. I will just know and be able to accept whatever the Lord has sent my way, boy or girl, and move on with it, get ready for them to join our family and prepare to meet my precious baby. So that part gives me some peace. But as terrible as it is I know that if its a boy I will have a little bit of a difficult time for the first few days, I will be emotional and cry a lot, I will get over it and it wont matter in the long run but Im dreading feeling so emotional and sad over something I shouldnt be. I hate feeling guilty about feeling the way I feel.
I think the root of all of this, aside from the fact that I want a little girl so badly, is that this is my last baby. That breaks my heart. To know that after this pregnancy I will probably never again feel a baby wiggle for the first time, or do summer salts inside me, or push their foot out so I can grab it, or get the hiccups. And that I will probably never again experience labor and the excitement that comes with it, or get to hold my baby for the very first time and feel my heart fill up with so much love. That after this baby I will never again get to experience everything that comes with pregnancy is truely heartbreaking for me. I love being pregnant. Although some may think the contrary since Im having such a crazy person pregnancy this time, I really do love it and everything that comes along with it. Its nice to think that after this I can get my body back and keep it though! That I am looking forward to.
Im 99% sure its a little boy and thats ok. Im trying my hardest to be neutral about it and know that Heavenly Father knows whats best for me and my family. I will still hold onto that 1% of hope though. Poor Cameron wants a sister so bad - he told me if its a girl he will call her Lillie-Baby and give her kisses all the time. He has told me numerous times he will be sad if its another brother. That makes it even harder for me. I dont know if my thinking its a boy is my subconscious defense mechinism or if it really will be. Luckily we will know for sure tomorrow at 9am! Aside from all of this I pray that my baby is healthy and growing as it should, that there are no problems or complications. That always makes me nervous with an ultrasound too.
Too many emotions to feel, too little time! Hoping I can sleep tonight!
In the beginning of this pregnancy I had no real inclination. I didnt really feel like it was for sure a boy or a girl. Only within the past week or two have I started to really feel like its another boy. Between the ultrasound (which I know was early, but there was something there...) and a few dreams that it was a boy Im starting to feel like its Heavenly Fathers way of telling me I dont always get what I want and to prepare myself ahead of time for another boy. I know to some it may sound ridiculous that I am having such a hard time with this all. I know some think and say I should "just be thankful that I can have a child at all." I have never said I wasnt thankful for this child or for my ability to be pregnant and carry a baby to term. I think very few people can understand what Im feeling right now. And I know a lot of people think Im crazy and that Im ungrateful or selfish, which frustrates me to no end because its definatly not the case. I met a girl this week in the same boat as me, three boys and pregnant with her fourth and wanting a girl so bad. It was refreshing to talk with her because for the first time I felt like someone understood my feelings. Its incredibly frustrating and difficult when you know every person who listens to you when you need to vent or talk about stuff doesnt really understand what your feeling.
Even though I havent had any real issues with this pregnancy this has by far been my hardest pregnancies so far. Not physically, but emotionally. Im kinda a wreck most days, at least I feel like that. I cry over the silliest things, seeing a mom doing her daughters hair, posts on FB about how much someone loves their daughter, girls clothes in stores, etc. Everything seems to remind me that I may not have a daughter of my own. I have always been a little emotional in pregnancy, usually toward the end more so. But this time it came on as soon as I was pregnant and has seemed to get worse the closer I get to finding out what Im having. I feel some kind of relief though about tomorrow. After tomorrow I will know, there wont be any more guessing or hope. I will just know and be able to accept whatever the Lord has sent my way, boy or girl, and move on with it, get ready for them to join our family and prepare to meet my precious baby. So that part gives me some peace. But as terrible as it is I know that if its a boy I will have a little bit of a difficult time for the first few days, I will be emotional and cry a lot, I will get over it and it wont matter in the long run but Im dreading feeling so emotional and sad over something I shouldnt be. I hate feeling guilty about feeling the way I feel.
I think the root of all of this, aside from the fact that I want a little girl so badly, is that this is my last baby. That breaks my heart. To know that after this pregnancy I will probably never again feel a baby wiggle for the first time, or do summer salts inside me, or push their foot out so I can grab it, or get the hiccups. And that I will probably never again experience labor and the excitement that comes with it, or get to hold my baby for the very first time and feel my heart fill up with so much love. That after this baby I will never again get to experience everything that comes with pregnancy is truely heartbreaking for me. I love being pregnant. Although some may think the contrary since Im having such a crazy person pregnancy this time, I really do love it and everything that comes along with it. Its nice to think that after this I can get my body back and keep it though! That I am looking forward to.
Im 99% sure its a little boy and thats ok. Im trying my hardest to be neutral about it and know that Heavenly Father knows whats best for me and my family. I will still hold onto that 1% of hope though. Poor Cameron wants a sister so bad - he told me if its a girl he will call her Lillie-Baby and give her kisses all the time. He has told me numerous times he will be sad if its another brother. That makes it even harder for me. I dont know if my thinking its a boy is my subconscious defense mechinism or if it really will be. Luckily we will know for sure tomorrow at 9am! Aside from all of this I pray that my baby is healthy and growing as it should, that there are no problems or complications. That always makes me nervous with an ultrasound too.
Too many emotions to feel, too little time! Hoping I can sleep tonight!
Sunday, May 26, 2013
I love Gordon B Hinkley!
“All of us have problems. We face them every day. How grateful I am that we have difficult things to wrestle with. They keep us young, they keep us alive, they keep us going, they keep us humble. Be grateful for your problems, and know that somehow there will come a solution. Just do the best you can, but be sure it is the very best.”
~Gordon B. Hinckley
~Gordon B. Hinckley
Saturday, May 25, 2013
A few things to think about...
Every person you know, every person you pass on the street or in the grocery store is going through something. It doesnt matter how large or small, it doesnt matter how it compares to what your going through or feeling. They all are having some kind of struggle. I dont know all your troubles and you dont know all mine. I saw something on Pinterest today, a quote, it said "Be kind to everyone. Everyone is struggling somehow." Or something along those lines. I think its important for each of us to remember that. Im going to try harder to remember this.
There are some things you just shouldnt say. I have learned it more and more as I have gotten older that sometimes if you dont agree with someone or have a differing opinion, its better to just keep your mouth shut and let it be. Or more often these days your fingers off the keys and let it be. There are things on FB all the time that I dont agree with or think are ridiculous... but I dont say anything because it doesnt matter, I dont want to start something or hurt someones feelings. I think this is important to remember too. If you dont need to say it (or type it) dont.
Do you ever feel like you keep waiting for life to get normal again? Its always something else, kids sick, lost your wallet, house is a mess, husbands out of town, kids schedules are off, vacation, etc etc. Sometimes I feel like I dont know what normal is anymore, I guess this is "normal." Chaos. I love my kiddos but sometimes Im just plain exhausted with the chaos. Occasionally I think to myself "I need a day off!" But Im quickly reminded I dont get those anymore. And thats ok. I wouldnt trade my family for all the days off I ever had before they came along! I just wish I could find a way to calm the chaos for more than a day at a time. I heard a quote once that said "The days are long but the years are short." I love that. There are days where I just cant wait for them to be over... I feel like Im never going to lay down to go to bed that night, that the day is gonna drag on for forever. And then all of a sudden a year has gone by! This chaos time is just a season. One day I will miss it, I know I will. I try to remind myself to just enjoy every little moment, chaos or not, normal or crazy, well rested or exhausted... enjoy it all because one day the house will be quiet, it will be clean (I cant even imagine) and Bret and I will be lonely missing our kids at home. The days are long but the years are short... Another thing to remember.
There are some things you just shouldnt say. I have learned it more and more as I have gotten older that sometimes if you dont agree with someone or have a differing opinion, its better to just keep your mouth shut and let it be. Or more often these days your fingers off the keys and let it be. There are things on FB all the time that I dont agree with or think are ridiculous... but I dont say anything because it doesnt matter, I dont want to start something or hurt someones feelings. I think this is important to remember too. If you dont need to say it (or type it) dont.
Do you ever feel like you keep waiting for life to get normal again? Its always something else, kids sick, lost your wallet, house is a mess, husbands out of town, kids schedules are off, vacation, etc etc. Sometimes I feel like I dont know what normal is anymore, I guess this is "normal." Chaos. I love my kiddos but sometimes Im just plain exhausted with the chaos. Occasionally I think to myself "I need a day off!" But Im quickly reminded I dont get those anymore. And thats ok. I wouldnt trade my family for all the days off I ever had before they came along! I just wish I could find a way to calm the chaos for more than a day at a time. I heard a quote once that said "The days are long but the years are short." I love that. There are days where I just cant wait for them to be over... I feel like Im never going to lay down to go to bed that night, that the day is gonna drag on for forever. And then all of a sudden a year has gone by! This chaos time is just a season. One day I will miss it, I know I will. I try to remind myself to just enjoy every little moment, chaos or not, normal or crazy, well rested or exhausted... enjoy it all because one day the house will be quiet, it will be clean (I cant even imagine) and Bret and I will be lonely missing our kids at home. The days are long but the years are short... Another thing to remember.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Im actually really proud of myself... I havent been too emotional or crazy (lol) the past two days. I havent cried once! The only thing I have thought about really is that I only have 5 days til I find out what we are having!! Yikes! Im so excited and so nervous all in one. And I have been meeting so many people who have "one of each" or "two boys, two girls." And I just have to be annoyed and I dont even know why. But it makes me so jealous of these people, which is annoying to me in and of itself. I dont want that to bug me. And I would never change my three boys - but why do some get such a "perfect mixture" and some have so many of one gender? I have two friends who have 5 boys and no girls! Crazy. And I know the science behind it, I know its "up to the man" and random but ugh. I was chatting with this model on a shoot I did last week and she was saying she doesnt have any kids but she has always wanted 4, 2 girls and 2 boys because thats what her parents had. I nodded and smiled and said that would be great but good luck lady! I didnt say that, dont worry. But it was certainly what I was thinking. We always wanted that too and you get what you get not what you want. And really like I have said time and time again I would never change any of my boys but I cant help but think how nice it would be to have such a "perfect mixture" too. If this baby is a girl we are still wanting to adopt and I would still want to adopt a girl. I never had a sister and I always (still) wanted one. So it would be so nice to have my three boys and then two girls so everyone has a brother and a sister. Fingers crossed! I have been praying a lot lately to help me find peace and understanding in whatever my path may be. Thats a hard thing to pray for when you have something you want so bad. I just want to pray for a girl, but I know that I need to pray for the Lords will to be done and not what I want. Hard to remember sometimes though.
On a exciting note I think I have felt the baby move twice - just quick little twinges that I feel and then dont feel again. But since this is my 4th Im pretty sure I know what it feels like and Im pretty sure thats what it was. I cant wait to feel it more and more, its my favorite part of pregnancy!
Im feeling very globular (aka big) already! Im barely out of my first tri and I feel huge. My face is feeling fatter, my thighs, butt and arms feel fatter, obviously my belly is bigger. Its all worth it of course but dang, already!?
On a exciting note I think I have felt the baby move twice - just quick little twinges that I feel and then dont feel again. But since this is my 4th Im pretty sure I know what it feels like and Im pretty sure thats what it was. I cant wait to feel it more and more, its my favorite part of pregnancy!
Im feeling very globular (aka big) already! Im barely out of my first tri and I feel huge. My face is feeling fatter, my thighs, butt and arms feel fatter, obviously my belly is bigger. Its all worth it of course but dang, already!?
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Too Much To Remember...
The past two days I have had lots of thoughts and feelings but once I sit down and night to write them for some reason I draw a blank. The main thing today is that I am exhausted! I always go through a tired phase when Im first pregnant but I swear this one has been the worst, and it doesnt seem to want to go away. Its really hard being so tired and never having any energy. I try to make myself do things anyway, cause I cant just sit around and nap all day. But then I get even more exhausted! I have decided this pregnancies exhaustion must be worse since I have three little boys to chase after, but man, I need some energy back!
Its a difficult balance... mom, wife, homemaker, housekeeper, photographer, calling at church, friends, family, etc. Some days I just feel overwhelmed. Today and yesterday are those days. Yesterday I was feeling particularly emotional, exhausted and "brain fried." My kids were all fussy, all day, Cameron had a fever and was sick, my house was seriously a mess. By mess I mean disaster, dishes piled, food on the floor from the meals from the day (my baby is a MESSY eater), toys everywhere, well really junk everywhere, laundry piled high... etc. Bret had gone to Young Mens for the evening and its was just me and some fussy kids in a messy house. I finally got Colton to go to sleep and my other two would not calm down. They were being so loud they woke up Colton, which of course frustrated me. So between the chaos and my exhaustion I accidently slammed my finger in the door and that was it. The final straw. I broke down bawling. I felt crazy because I had no idea what I was really crying over. Cameron had been bugging me to read a book, which I was going to do but then I had a little breakdown so he came over and sat next to me and I thought he was going to be sweet and give me a hug or something... No. He handed me the book and started fussing about wanting me to read it. That of course made me cry more. I cant seem to find an emotional balance this pregnancy. Im kinda a wreck. I have so much editing to do (which is no ones fault but my own and I enjoy it, just its a lot of work and can only be done late at night when the kids are asleep), my house needs some serious TLC, I have a "Super Saturday" I need to make crafts for, we have so much work to still do in the front and back yards, photo sessions, etc etc the list seems to never end. Anyway, enough ranting on that.
I went to the doctor today for my routine check up. Im 14 weeks along today, woohoo! All done with the first trimester. 1/3 of the way to getting to snuggle my little baby! Exactly a week from today we will get to find out what we are having. I cant wait. My doctor said the babies heart rate was still high, in the 170's, he said he guesses its a girl. We will see. Everyone keeps guessing girl, I would hate to dissapoint them. =P I think one of the things Im having the hardest time with right now is feeling bad about wanting a girl so bad. It was made a million times worse by some recent issues and comments that were made toward me, so now I feel even worse than I did before. I dont ever want it to seem like if this is a boy I wont be happy or wont love this baby. OF COURSE I WILL! But I have to admit I will be a little dissapointed and a tiny bit heartbroken because I want a girl so bad. I will get over it quickly and be super happy its a boy. But I feel guilty for feeling like that.
Im really thankful for good friends. Yesterday was our girls night and heaven knows, after reading the above post, that I needed it! Im thankful to have them to listen to me when I just need to vent, to back me up when I need it, to give me encouragment and understanding. I am very blessed with some awesome friends! Im so thankful that I moved here and met them!
Well I need to start editing. I think I will have to start doing mini blog posts from my phone throughout the day, because like I said before I cant remember everything by the time I sit down at my computer at night!
Its a difficult balance... mom, wife, homemaker, housekeeper, photographer, calling at church, friends, family, etc. Some days I just feel overwhelmed. Today and yesterday are those days. Yesterday I was feeling particularly emotional, exhausted and "brain fried." My kids were all fussy, all day, Cameron had a fever and was sick, my house was seriously a mess. By mess I mean disaster, dishes piled, food on the floor from the meals from the day (my baby is a MESSY eater), toys everywhere, well really junk everywhere, laundry piled high... etc. Bret had gone to Young Mens for the evening and its was just me and some fussy kids in a messy house. I finally got Colton to go to sleep and my other two would not calm down. They were being so loud they woke up Colton, which of course frustrated me. So between the chaos and my exhaustion I accidently slammed my finger in the door and that was it. The final straw. I broke down bawling. I felt crazy because I had no idea what I was really crying over. Cameron had been bugging me to read a book, which I was going to do but then I had a little breakdown so he came over and sat next to me and I thought he was going to be sweet and give me a hug or something... No. He handed me the book and started fussing about wanting me to read it. That of course made me cry more. I cant seem to find an emotional balance this pregnancy. Im kinda a wreck. I have so much editing to do (which is no ones fault but my own and I enjoy it, just its a lot of work and can only be done late at night when the kids are asleep), my house needs some serious TLC, I have a "Super Saturday" I need to make crafts for, we have so much work to still do in the front and back yards, photo sessions, etc etc the list seems to never end. Anyway, enough ranting on that.
I went to the doctor today for my routine check up. Im 14 weeks along today, woohoo! All done with the first trimester. 1/3 of the way to getting to snuggle my little baby! Exactly a week from today we will get to find out what we are having. I cant wait. My doctor said the babies heart rate was still high, in the 170's, he said he guesses its a girl. We will see. Everyone keeps guessing girl, I would hate to dissapoint them. =P I think one of the things Im having the hardest time with right now is feeling bad about wanting a girl so bad. It was made a million times worse by some recent issues and comments that were made toward me, so now I feel even worse than I did before. I dont ever want it to seem like if this is a boy I wont be happy or wont love this baby. OF COURSE I WILL! But I have to admit I will be a little dissapointed and a tiny bit heartbroken because I want a girl so bad. I will get over it quickly and be super happy its a boy. But I feel guilty for feeling like that.
Im really thankful for good friends. Yesterday was our girls night and heaven knows, after reading the above post, that I needed it! Im thankful to have them to listen to me when I just need to vent, to back me up when I need it, to give me encouragment and understanding. I am very blessed with some awesome friends! Im so thankful that I moved here and met them!
Well I need to start editing. I think I will have to start doing mini blog posts from my phone throughout the day, because like I said before I cant remember everything by the time I sit down at my computer at night!
Monday, May 20, 2013
I miss working out!
It seems that so much has been going on lately... I went out of town, my kids have been sick numerous times with the flu and adnovirus (Cameron just got sick today with that one :/), Colton was in the hospital, we had family here, lots of editing etc etc. And I miss working out! I have missed 2 weeks in a row, and been very sparse at being able to go for the past month and half. I usually go 4 times a week, two times to Zumba and twice to Ballet Blast. I can feel it. Bleh. I hate missing! With Cameron I gained so much weight, 50lbs to be exact! I am so nervous of ever doing that again. Connor I did really good and only gained 25, then Colton I gained 37 :/ I really want to keep this pregnancy as close to the 25lb mark for weight gain that I can. But missing work outs is not helping me at all. And lets add in the weather has been raining and dark which makes me wanna eat, crazy and weird but true. I eat way better when the sun is shining and its nice out. And I am trying to do a clean eating diet as much as I can. I was doing really good until I went to WA and then I ate a bunch of junk while I was up there and now I cant seem to get myself back on track this past week. I worked so hard to get where I was before I got pregnant its so hard to watch it go bye-bye so fast. Today was probably one of the last times I will be able to fit in a lovely size 2 I finally fit into right before I got pregnant, it was a bit tight :/ I know its a small price to pay and I am happy to pay it, but its just hard to watch it happen and not be able to work out and do what I can to slow the weight gain.
Anyway, random post about nothing really except for working out and my weight gain. I WILL go to Ballet Blast on Wednesday night, no matter how tired I am, which kid is sick or how much editing I have to do!
Anyway, random post about nothing really except for working out and my weight gain. I WILL go to Ballet Blast on Wednesday night, no matter how tired I am, which kid is sick or how much editing I have to do!
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Some Random Things...
I just have a bunch of random things I have thought about today... they dont really even have to do with eachother or have any rhyme or reason.
First of all - I am so thankful for my family and good friends who are awesome listeners and understand me. People who know my intent, they know my thoughts and feelings because they listen to me and care. Im thankful to have support in all I do and love. Even though my blog posts are all about things that probably most people could care less about reading, I still have people who read it and comment to me, which is so nice to know people care. <3
Second - I decided its a good thing that I have a testimony of the church. Otherwise I might not have gone today. I can see how people can leave and not want to come back when they have been hurt by someone from church. Its hard to go and know that someone is upset with you and has said things that have hurt you and offended you. And its hard to know someone was offended by something you did, even though I didnt mean to offend or hurt, it still happened and thats hard. Im thankful that I have a testimony of the gospel that isnt wavered by something so silly as this. Its not the gospel or the church that was hurtful toward me, just a person. Anyway, something I thought of today.
Third - I still cant get some of the words out of my head that were said toward me and Im really bothered by them. Two things, first off that I shared my pregnancy too early. I was 8, almost 9 weeks and had seen a heartbeat and was starting to show, I dont think thats too early. It was made to sound like being in the first trimester doesnt frighten me and I just think of it as daisies and sunshine. Um, no. I am terrified. For the whole pregnancy, not just the first tri. I own my own doppler because I live in fear everyday that my baby wont be moving, that there wont be a heartbeat. Just because I have never had serious infertility problems or had a miscarriage it doesnt mean that those of us like me arent afraid all of our pregnancy, or get nervous at each ultrasound or doctor appointment. Second off that I view adoption as "an easy way out." False again. I know it will be difficult. But it is something that we have talked about from the time we were married, not just all of a sudden because we havent had a girl. We just figure that since we want to adopt regardless that it would be a way for us to have the girl we always wanted along with adopt like we always wanted. Get two birds with one stone. Enough on that.
Fourth - My kids are awesome. They are downright crazy and do the weirdest things. Sometimes I find it fun to just sit back and watch them play together. Cameron comes up with some funny little stories, he has quite the imagination. Connor follows any and everything that Cameron does, seriously, everything. And Colton, well he is just strange. He makes the funniest faces, dances around and does his own thing. Its hard right now though because he thinks he is much bigger than he is and wants to do everything that his brothers do, and obviously he cant. But he is in this crazy tantrum phase and just will randomly scream and flail on the ground over nothing. Also, I think he is still mad at me for going to WA and leaving him for a few days because he would rather go to Bret right now, which kinda hurts a little, but Connor went through a little phase like that too around that age. He still plays and snuggles with me, just if Bret is there he likes him to hold him.
Fifth - Bleh, morning sickness has come back! What!? And now suddenly heartburn too. Fun! But on the bright side I finally look pregnant instead of just looking like I added 10lbs, which is nice!
Sixth - I am a crazy pregnant person. Especially this time. Because I know this is my last chance to have my own little girl everything girlish makes me tear up. The other day after that ultrasound where it looked kinda like a boy, I went to Target the next day to get some tshirts for Colton and all I did was walk past the girl clothes, I didnt even stop to look and I started balling. Then today in church I was watching a mom do her daughters hair during sacrament and I teared up. I see posts of little girls and their moms doing fun girly things like painting nails together and stuff all over FB and that makes me emotional. I dont even know what Im having yet! But just knowing that it may be a long time if ever I am able to have those things hurts. Its similar to when I wanted kids and wasnt getting pregnant, just different. Its an empty place I cant seem to fill, and maybe this baby will. But until I know I am a crazy person! And Im sure if this is a boy as happy as I will be to have him I will still feel that void. So if you randomly see my crying over what seems like absolutly nothing, just ignore it, Im just an emotional pregnant lady!
I know there is a lot more than ran through my head today, but I cant think of it all now. I have a hard time turning my brain off lately. Things are just streaming in and out all day long, good and bad, crazy thoughts and normal thoughts. I guess thats part of pregnancy.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Girl or Boy? I dont know!
Well, the time is nearing to find out what we are having and I am so excited, also a little anxious. Its only a week and a half away! Its so fun that my doctor office offers ultrasounds at 15 weeks to find out babies gender... I dont know if I could handle waiting until 20 weeks this time! I honestly have no intuition, no idea what I think. The only time I had a "feeling" was with Connor, I was pretty sure he was a boy. Then with Cameron I swore he was a girl and with Colton I hoped he was a girl, wrong both times. I have tried so hard this pregnancy to remain neutral in my thoughts. As much as I hope its a girl, I try to remind myself there is a very good chance its another boy. I have tried to come up with a boy name and a girl name, and let me tell you, boy names are hard by the time its your 4th when you have already used up 3 boy names you like. Ever since my Grandma passed away right after Connor was born I made up my mind that I would name my first (at this point, only) girl after her. Her name was Lillie, we would use the middle name Elise. But when it comes to boy names, whew! I have no idea anymore. The only C name I like ok is Carson, and I dont love it, but its fine. I really like the name Crew, but no one else likes it but me. I also love the name Henry, but Bret doesnt like it. Tricky business naming a 4th boy!
I had an impromptu ultrasound on Wednesday night, just for fun, and the ultrasound tech tried to see what she could. But its so early to know or see much. Although there was something between babies legs it was hard to tell if it was a boy or just that it was too early in development to be fully developed into "girl parts." I came home and watched the video a few times, posted a still picture of the "potty shot" and most people were saying "Looks like a boy!" I feel bad, but hearing all that downright made me break down. I mean hysterical, like a crazy person. I want this baby to be a girl so so badly, no one can understand unless they have had all of one gender and really desire the other gender. And I have tried so hard to maintain hope that just maybe we will be lucky and get a girl this time and prepare myself for the fact that it could be a boy, but obviously I didnt prepare well enough! Obviously, I still dont know for sure. So thats why I feel a little crazy balling my eyes out over something I dont even know! I remember when they told me Colton was a boy, I cried a lot too at first, but then of course I didnt care later and was so happy that he was healthy and that he was mine. It will obviously be the same this time if its a boy. But, when you have so much hope for something and then to find out its not what you hoped for there is always that initial... heartbreak? I dont know if thats the right word, but you get the idea.
I have asked Bret what he thinks it is, he says a girl. But then I ask him if he thinks a girl because he wants it to be a girl or if he thinks its a girl because he feels like it really is. But how do you separate the two? I know I cant! All of my family wants me to have a girl too, so my parents and brother all think its a girl, but its the same deal, is it just what they want or what they feel? Cameron insists its a girl and Connor insists that its a boy, they argue over it frequently. :)
In the end it doesnt really matter, a baby is a baby and I will love it just the same regardless. BUT - Can you blame me for hoping and wanting after three boys? I think not. We will know for sure in 11 days!!
I had an impromptu ultrasound on Wednesday night, just for fun, and the ultrasound tech tried to see what she could. But its so early to know or see much. Although there was something between babies legs it was hard to tell if it was a boy or just that it was too early in development to be fully developed into "girl parts." I came home and watched the video a few times, posted a still picture of the "potty shot" and most people were saying "Looks like a boy!" I feel bad, but hearing all that downright made me break down. I mean hysterical, like a crazy person. I want this baby to be a girl so so badly, no one can understand unless they have had all of one gender and really desire the other gender. And I have tried so hard to maintain hope that just maybe we will be lucky and get a girl this time and prepare myself for the fact that it could be a boy, but obviously I didnt prepare well enough! Obviously, I still dont know for sure. So thats why I feel a little crazy balling my eyes out over something I dont even know! I remember when they told me Colton was a boy, I cried a lot too at first, but then of course I didnt care later and was so happy that he was healthy and that he was mine. It will obviously be the same this time if its a boy. But, when you have so much hope for something and then to find out its not what you hoped for there is always that initial... heartbreak? I dont know if thats the right word, but you get the idea.
I have asked Bret what he thinks it is, he says a girl. But then I ask him if he thinks a girl because he wants it to be a girl or if he thinks its a girl because he feels like it really is. But how do you separate the two? I know I cant! All of my family wants me to have a girl too, so my parents and brother all think its a girl, but its the same deal, is it just what they want or what they feel? Cameron insists its a girl and Connor insists that its a boy, they argue over it frequently. :)
In the end it doesnt really matter, a baby is a baby and I will love it just the same regardless. BUT - Can you blame me for hoping and wanting after three boys? I think not. We will know for sure in 11 days!!
Friday, May 17, 2013
No More Apologies
Yesterday was a crazy day. I apparently offended some people by bringing up the fact that I was interested in adoption later down the road - particularly that I was interested in specifically adopting a girl. I never meant to offend and I am sorry for that. I would never intentionally hurt anyones feelings, especially on that subject. But the route that the whole situation traveled was, to me, ridiculous. It was completely taken out of context and turned into something it shouldnt have been. And in the end I felt like I was being attacked - being made a bad person because I was able to have children and some cant - and that because I could have my own children I shouldnt talk about my desire to adopt later since Im pregnant now. I felt like I was supposed to be apologizing for things that I shouldnt have needed to.
I remember when I wanted to be pregnant so bad with Cameron. I remember the yearning and desire I had and when month after month nothing was happening, always a negative test, always another month we would have to try, it hurt. I cried a lot, I felt a lot of pain and loss. And although hearing other peoples joy made me feel a little sad inside because I couldnt be that person who was exclaiming happiness with pregnancy, I was still happy for them and didnt feel like they needed to apologize to me for them being able to get pregnant. It was just my trial at that time. Im sure they had one too, it just wasnt the same as mine. I feel for these women who want to be pregnant so badly and arent or cant, I really do. I pray that each of them is able to find peace and comfort and that they are able to conceive or adopt and in one way or another experience the joy of motherhood. But honestly, I dont think that their trials should be taken out on me or anyone else for that matter.
I couldnt sleep last night. A lot of hurtful comments were made towards me yesterday that just kept playing over and over in my head. I felt bad I ever brought up adoption. I felt bad that I had hurt others feelings, especially unintentionally. And my stomach was in knots trying to sort out this conflict with someone I know and not knowing how to - also how to make the people I hurt know that it was never my intention and I was sorry for any pain I had caused them.
At the end of today Im feeling a little more at peace. I cant change what happened, I learned a lesson - that Facebook is just a place for simple quick unemotional posts, not a place to share your inner feelings or thoughts. People with either misunderstand, take it out of context or get their feelings hurt. As mean as some people may think I sound by saying this - Im done apologizing. Im not going to apologize for being pregnant or for my desire to adopt one day or for my yearning for a little girl. Im finished apologizing and thats that. I am happy to apologize for hurting peoples feelings, just not for things I feel I dont need to apologize for.
Just a little of what I have felt today. Im thankful I had a big photoshoot for Cents of Style to occupy my mind tonight, it helped to get my mind off all of this and to distract me. I have been overly emotional this pregnancy and all of this has kind of tipped me off the edge and now Im super emotional. Trying to not think about it anymore, but its easier said than done.
I remember when I wanted to be pregnant so bad with Cameron. I remember the yearning and desire I had and when month after month nothing was happening, always a negative test, always another month we would have to try, it hurt. I cried a lot, I felt a lot of pain and loss. And although hearing other peoples joy made me feel a little sad inside because I couldnt be that person who was exclaiming happiness with pregnancy, I was still happy for them and didnt feel like they needed to apologize to me for them being able to get pregnant. It was just my trial at that time. Im sure they had one too, it just wasnt the same as mine. I feel for these women who want to be pregnant so badly and arent or cant, I really do. I pray that each of them is able to find peace and comfort and that they are able to conceive or adopt and in one way or another experience the joy of motherhood. But honestly, I dont think that their trials should be taken out on me or anyone else for that matter.
I couldnt sleep last night. A lot of hurtful comments were made towards me yesterday that just kept playing over and over in my head. I felt bad I ever brought up adoption. I felt bad that I had hurt others feelings, especially unintentionally. And my stomach was in knots trying to sort out this conflict with someone I know and not knowing how to - also how to make the people I hurt know that it was never my intention and I was sorry for any pain I had caused them.
At the end of today Im feeling a little more at peace. I cant change what happened, I learned a lesson - that Facebook is just a place for simple quick unemotional posts, not a place to share your inner feelings or thoughts. People with either misunderstand, take it out of context or get their feelings hurt. As mean as some people may think I sound by saying this - Im done apologizing. Im not going to apologize for being pregnant or for my desire to adopt one day or for my yearning for a little girl. Im finished apologizing and thats that. I am happy to apologize for hurting peoples feelings, just not for things I feel I dont need to apologize for.
Just a little of what I have felt today. Im thankful I had a big photoshoot for Cents of Style to occupy my mind tonight, it helped to get my mind off all of this and to distract me. I have been overly emotional this pregnancy and all of this has kind of tipped me off the edge and now Im super emotional. Trying to not think about it anymore, but its easier said than done.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
My Place To Think...
I have started this blog as an outlet. I often have feelings and thoughts that I need to somehow express, whether it be typing them, writing them or saying them out loud, I need to get them out there. Not only do I need a place to do this, but I need a place where I wont be criticized or have people making me feel bad for feeling what I feel.
Everyone has their trials - I feel that we shouldnt compare our trials to one another "so and so's trials are worse than yours so you should just be thankful for what you have" etc. Regardless of what my neighbor, friend or family member is going through my trial is my own and its difficult in its own way. My feelings are mine alone. No one can tell me how I should or shouldnt feel - even though they seem to want to quite often. I find myself more and more often just needing someone to listen and have no opinion or advice, just listen.
I am so incredibly thankful for this little baby that Im carrying - I love it more than words can say. Just as I have with each of my pregnancies. My desire for a little girl in no way fogs or outweighs my love for this baby regardless of its gender. Its mine. I love it. It doesnt matter. I love each of my boys so much, I would never go back and change any of them. They are my life.
However, after three boys (possibly four) and a continued desire since I began having children to have a little girl it should be understandable that I really want to have a girl. Bret and I have always felt that if we had four boys we would look into adopting a little girl. Its always kind of been "in the plan." Although its been in the back of my mind, I have always held hope that I would have my own biological daughter. I want to see our genetics create a girl, have a little girl who looks like me - but really does that matter? Down under all that my true desire is just to have a girl in our family. I have always had a strong feeling that we would have a little girl, whether she joined our family through adoption or biologically, it doesnt matter. I had an experience when Cameron was a baby that really told me we were meant to have a girl in our family. So each time I have been pregnant I have hung on to that hope that it would be that girl I felt we were meant to have in our family. Each time, so far, it has instead been a wonderful, beautiful little boy who we love so much. So I keep trying to sort out why I would have such a strong feeling if it wasnt happening. I realize we dont choose our own paths. Heavenly Father knows our thoughts, desires and prayers. He also knows whats best for me and for my family. He can see the big picture, the eternal perspective. I started this pregnancy praying for a girl - I now pray for my heart to accept whatever my path is meant to be, he knows best.
This is how I feel. I cant change it, I cant pretend I dont feel this way. I cant make myself not cry when I realize there is a very good chance that this baby will be a boy and I wont get my biological girl. I cant ignore my burning desire to have a girl. I also know that I love this baby no matter what gender it is.
I know that there is a little girl out there somewhere that we will eventually have join our family. I feel it. She may be growing inside me right now, she may come through foster adoption, or regular adoption, she may one day be an "accident" when we thought we were finished having kids. I dont know. Only Heavenly Father knows. And I put my trust in him to guide me and direct my path.
Thank you to each of you for caring enough to read this blog and do so without criticism and to have understanding. I appreciate each of you and the love you have for me and my family. I will post periodically on here when I need to get something off my chest. It may be brief, short posts occasionally or it may be longer ones. It all depends on how Im feeling that day.
Everyone has their trials - I feel that we shouldnt compare our trials to one another "so and so's trials are worse than yours so you should just be thankful for what you have" etc. Regardless of what my neighbor, friend or family member is going through my trial is my own and its difficult in its own way. My feelings are mine alone. No one can tell me how I should or shouldnt feel - even though they seem to want to quite often. I find myself more and more often just needing someone to listen and have no opinion or advice, just listen.
I am so incredibly thankful for this little baby that Im carrying - I love it more than words can say. Just as I have with each of my pregnancies. My desire for a little girl in no way fogs or outweighs my love for this baby regardless of its gender. Its mine. I love it. It doesnt matter. I love each of my boys so much, I would never go back and change any of them. They are my life.
However, after three boys (possibly four) and a continued desire since I began having children to have a little girl it should be understandable that I really want to have a girl. Bret and I have always felt that if we had four boys we would look into adopting a little girl. Its always kind of been "in the plan." Although its been in the back of my mind, I have always held hope that I would have my own biological daughter. I want to see our genetics create a girl, have a little girl who looks like me - but really does that matter? Down under all that my true desire is just to have a girl in our family. I have always had a strong feeling that we would have a little girl, whether she joined our family through adoption or biologically, it doesnt matter. I had an experience when Cameron was a baby that really told me we were meant to have a girl in our family. So each time I have been pregnant I have hung on to that hope that it would be that girl I felt we were meant to have in our family. Each time, so far, it has instead been a wonderful, beautiful little boy who we love so much. So I keep trying to sort out why I would have such a strong feeling if it wasnt happening. I realize we dont choose our own paths. Heavenly Father knows our thoughts, desires and prayers. He also knows whats best for me and for my family. He can see the big picture, the eternal perspective. I started this pregnancy praying for a girl - I now pray for my heart to accept whatever my path is meant to be, he knows best.
This is how I feel. I cant change it, I cant pretend I dont feel this way. I cant make myself not cry when I realize there is a very good chance that this baby will be a boy and I wont get my biological girl. I cant ignore my burning desire to have a girl. I also know that I love this baby no matter what gender it is.
I know that there is a little girl out there somewhere that we will eventually have join our family. I feel it. She may be growing inside me right now, she may come through foster adoption, or regular adoption, she may one day be an "accident" when we thought we were finished having kids. I dont know. Only Heavenly Father knows. And I put my trust in him to guide me and direct my path.
Thank you to each of you for caring enough to read this blog and do so without criticism and to have understanding. I appreciate each of you and the love you have for me and my family. I will post periodically on here when I need to get something off my chest. It may be brief, short posts occasionally or it may be longer ones. It all depends on how Im feeling that day.
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