The past two days I have had lots of thoughts and feelings but once I sit down and night to write them for some reason I draw a blank. The main thing today is that I am exhausted! I always go through a tired phase when Im first pregnant but I swear this one has been the worst, and it doesnt seem to want to go away. Its really hard being so tired and never having any energy. I try to make myself do things anyway, cause I cant just sit around and nap all day. But then I get even more exhausted! I have decided this pregnancies exhaustion must be worse since I have three little boys to chase after, but man, I need some energy back!
Its a difficult balance... mom, wife, homemaker, housekeeper, photographer, calling at church, friends, family, etc. Some days I just feel overwhelmed. Today and yesterday are those days. Yesterday I was feeling particularly emotional, exhausted and "brain fried." My kids were all fussy, all day, Cameron had a fever and was sick, my house was seriously a mess. By mess I mean disaster, dishes piled, food on the floor from the meals from the day (my baby is a MESSY eater), toys everywhere, well really junk everywhere, laundry piled high... etc. Bret had gone to Young Mens for the evening and its was just me and some fussy kids in a messy house. I finally got Colton to go to sleep and my other two would not calm down. They were being so loud they woke up Colton, which of course frustrated me. So between the chaos and my exhaustion I accidently slammed my finger in the door and that was it. The final straw. I broke down bawling. I felt crazy because I had no idea what I was really crying over. Cameron had been bugging me to read a book, which I was going to do but then I had a little breakdown so he came over and sat next to me and I thought he was going to be sweet and give me a hug or something... No. He handed me the book and started fussing about wanting me to read it. That of course made me cry more. I cant seem to find an emotional balance this pregnancy. Im kinda a wreck. I have so much editing to do (which is no ones fault but my own and I enjoy it, just its a lot of work and can only be done late at night when the kids are asleep), my house needs some serious TLC, I have a "Super Saturday" I need to make crafts for, we have so much work to still do in the front and back yards, photo sessions, etc etc the list seems to never end. Anyway, enough ranting on that.
I went to the doctor today for my routine check up. Im 14 weeks along today, woohoo! All done with the first trimester. 1/3 of the way to getting to snuggle my little baby! Exactly a week from today we will get to find out what we are having. I cant wait. My doctor said the babies heart rate was still high, in the 170's, he said he guesses its a girl. We will see. Everyone keeps guessing girl, I would hate to dissapoint them. =P I think one of the things Im having the hardest time with right now is feeling bad about wanting a girl so bad. It was made a million times worse by some recent issues and comments that were made toward me, so now I feel even worse than I did before. I dont ever want it to seem like if this is a boy I wont be happy or wont love this baby. OF COURSE I WILL! But I have to admit I will be a little dissapointed and a tiny bit heartbroken because I want a girl so bad. I will get over it quickly and be super happy its a boy. But I feel guilty for feeling like that.
Im really thankful for good friends. Yesterday was our girls night and heaven knows, after reading the above post, that I needed it! Im thankful to have them to listen to me when I just need to vent, to back me up when I need it, to give me encouragment and understanding. I am very blessed with some awesome friends! Im so thankful that I moved here and met them!
Well I need to start editing. I think I will have to start doing mini blog posts from my phone throughout the day, because like I said before I cant remember everything by the time I sit down at my computer at night!
No comments:
Post a Comment