Tomorrow is the day we get to find out what we are having! Im so incredibly excited... nervous, scared, anxious... pretty much every emotion I can feel right now Im feeling it. I know whats done is done and whatever it is is what it is... but once I have seen it and the U/S tech says it, it just seems so final... probably because it is. I think what Im having the hardest time with is that Im pretty sure its another boy, and if its a boy after tomorrow I no longer can cling to "hope" anymore. And just have to accept my reality that I will not have any biological daughters. And depending on how difficult adoption is, I may not have any daughters. Thats a really really hard pill for me to swallow. So hard that as I typed those last few sentences my heart felt broken and my eyes welled with tears. I cant imagine not having a daughter at all. I have always felt like I would have one and knowing that the possibility of not ever having one is so hard for me. Regardless of the outcome tomorrow, boy or girl, I will be so happy and excited for this baby, just like I am now. I have never felt so much anxiety before going in for a gender ultrasound.
In the beginning of this pregnancy I had no real inclination. I didnt really feel like it was for sure a boy or a girl. Only within the past week or two have I started to really feel like its another boy. Between the ultrasound (which I know was early, but there was something there...) and a few dreams that it was a boy Im starting to feel like its Heavenly Fathers way of telling me I dont always get what I want and to prepare myself ahead of time for another boy. I know to some it may sound ridiculous that I am having such a hard time with this all. I know some think and say I should "just be thankful that I can have a child at all." I have never said I wasnt thankful for this child or for my ability to be pregnant and carry a baby to term. I think very few people can understand what Im feeling right now. And I know a lot of people think Im crazy and that Im ungrateful or selfish, which frustrates me to no end because its definatly not the case. I met a girl this week in the same boat as me, three boys and pregnant with her fourth and wanting a girl so bad. It was refreshing to talk with her because for the first time I felt like someone understood my feelings. Its incredibly frustrating and difficult when you know every person who listens to you when you need to vent or talk about stuff doesnt really understand what your feeling.
Even though I havent had any real issues with this pregnancy this has by far been my hardest pregnancies so far. Not physically, but emotionally. Im kinda a wreck most days, at least I feel like that. I cry over the silliest things, seeing a mom doing her daughters hair, posts on FB about how much someone loves their daughter, girls clothes in stores, etc. Everything seems to remind me that I may not have a daughter of my own. I have always been a little emotional in pregnancy, usually toward the end more so. But this time it came on as soon as I was pregnant and has seemed to get worse the closer I get to finding out what Im having. I feel some kind of relief though about tomorrow. After tomorrow I will know, there wont be any more guessing or hope. I will just know and be able to accept whatever the Lord has sent my way, boy or girl, and move on with it, get ready for them to join our family and prepare to meet my precious baby. So that part gives me some peace. But as terrible as it is I know that if its a boy I will have a little bit of a difficult time for the first few days, I will be emotional and cry a lot, I will get over it and it wont matter in the long run but Im dreading feeling so emotional and sad over something I shouldnt be. I hate feeling guilty about feeling the way I feel.
I think the root of all of this, aside from the fact that I want a little girl so badly, is that this is my last baby. That breaks my heart. To know that after this pregnancy I will probably never again feel a baby wiggle for the first time, or do summer salts inside me, or push their foot out so I can grab it, or get the hiccups. And that I will probably never again experience labor and the excitement that comes with it, or get to hold my baby for the very first time and feel my heart fill up with so much love. That after this baby I will never again get to experience everything that comes with pregnancy is truely heartbreaking for me. I love being pregnant. Although some may think the contrary since Im having such a crazy person pregnancy this time, I really do love it and everything that comes along with it. Its nice to think that after this I can get my body back and keep it though! That I am looking forward to.
Im 99% sure its a little boy and thats ok. Im trying my hardest to be neutral about it and know that Heavenly Father knows whats best for me and my family. I will still hold onto that 1% of hope though. Poor Cameron wants a sister so bad - he told me if its a girl he will call her Lillie-Baby and give her kisses all the time. He has told me numerous times he will be sad if its another brother. That makes it even harder for me. I dont know if my thinking its a boy is my subconscious defense mechinism or if it really will be. Luckily we will know for sure tomorrow at 9am! Aside from all of this I pray that my baby is healthy and growing as it should, that there are no problems or complications. That always makes me nervous with an ultrasound too.
Too many emotions to feel, too little time! Hoping I can sleep tonight!
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