I, of course, balled like a lunatic for the first little while after I found out he was a boy. Not because he was a boy but because my last chance, my final try for a girl wasnt going to come true. I was struggling to accept that I wouldnt have a girl of my own. And that kills me. Unless we are able to adopt or Heavenly Father decides to somehow bless us with a girl I will never have a daughter, I will never have a daughter who wants me in the room when she has a baby of her own, or get to plan her wedding, or have a first date, etc. I wont know what a little girl of ours would look like or be like. Its hard. I felt like after three boys I somehow deserved at least one girl. Aside from being so happy that this little guy will be joining our family and that he is healthy I have felt so many other emotions, again, not because he is a boy, not at all. Just because of what I will be missing out on. A few times I have felt angry - angry that I prayed so hard for a little girl and didnt get one. Then I realize that thats silly. I have felt a little disappointed and discouraged. I have felt an overwhelming sense of how important my job is as a mom of all boys, my need to prepare them for missions and to be good husbands. I have felt heartbroken that it wasnt time to have a little girl join our family. I also get so mad for some reason when people tell me about how they wanted their last to be a girl so bad because they only had one girl and two boys but instead they got a boy - they had a girl! It just bugs me. I also cant stand how everyone keeps telling me "oh well, you will one day get daughter in laws! And maybe granddaughters." Its not the same. As great as that will be, not the above mentioned things I am struggling with. My daughter in laws most likely wont want me there when they deliver their babies or want help planning their weddings, etc. I feel frustrated because my whole life I imagined myself with a little girl, at least one, of my own. And as I mentioned in a past post that I had an experience that made me know we were meant to have a girl in our family... so I feel frustrated because she isnt coming and it makes me wonder why I would feel that if I keep having boys. Obviously adoption is a very strong possibility, but still, Im frustrated right now too. Im pretty sure I cant write or remember every emotion I have felt the past few days. Cameron has said to me a few times "I dont want another brother, I want a sister." And that of course breaks my heart. I have to explain how much we love this brother and that just because we want a sister it doesnt mean we wont love this brother and that he will be so excited to have three little brothers! I sure do love my little boys, all of them, born or unborn, they are all so amazing and special. I cant wait to meet this one!
Im rambling.... sorry.
In my hysterical breakdown Bret agreed to a name he wasnt 100% sold on but that I love, Henry Lewis Madsen. I LOVE it! I know, I know, Im breaking away from the "C" theme, but I just couldnt commit to Carson, I didnt love it. I feel like each pregnancy is a repeat of the last, another boy, same nursery, same clothes, same everything except a different baby. So to help myself feel better and like its new and exciting I am going to redo our nursery! Im exicted! I found an inspiration photo of a nursery I love! Its orange, bright green, teal and grey. I will be making wall art with Dr Suess quotes and other such things and getting an all new crib set, painting my crib etc. Im so excited!
Another thing I have a hard time with is that people seem awkward around me or talking to me about it now. As if they dont want to say anything. Barely anyone has said in person "Congratulations" or anything like that. They all just seem to ignore the subject, it really bugs me. It makes me feel like they arent happy or excited for me. Just because I didnt get a girl doesnt mean Im not happy and excited and want to talk about this baby! Just something I have noticed.
Bret and I both have agreed that after little Henry is born we will start praying about what we should do, what our path should be. If he wants us to try again (which if thats the case then he better well send me a girl lol) or if he wants us to pursue and look into adoption. I really deep inside me feel that there is a little girl for us. That she is meant to be a part of our family. I don't know how or when she will come apart of it but I know that somehow we will find her, whether it be through adoption or if the Lord sends her to us biologically. Its such a strange feeling having your heart feel so full and so empty all at once. Its full knowing this precious little boy is healthy and he will be joining our family in November, but empty knowing that I may never have a little girl and that if I do (which I hope and pray) that I have no idea how she will come to our family.
Im thankful Heavenly Father has blessed us with three healthy children and that this little guy so far seems to be healthy and growing like he should. His little profile photo from the ultrasound was so cute! He looks like he has an adorable little nose :) I get to have another ultrasound at 18 weeks, so in 2 1/2 more weeks for the anatomy scan to look at his kidneys, heart, brain, etc. I pray that he continues to grow and be healthy and there arent any problems or complications with this pregnancy. I love my little boy, I cant wait to start feeling him move more and more (I have felt a few little wiggles already!) and to meet him and snuggle him and have him here!
Congrats Liz! His little profile looks adorable...and I LOVE the name Henry. So cute. I'm sorry you've had a difficult time. I hope you get what you want one way or another(: Can't wait to see pictures when he arrives!!!
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