Girl or Boy? I dont know!

Well, the time is nearing to find out what we are having and I am so excited, also a little anxious. Its only a week and a half away! Its so fun that my doctor office offers ultrasounds at 15 weeks to find out babies gender... I dont know if I could handle waiting until 20 weeks this time! I honestly have no intuition, no idea what I think. The only time I had a "feeling" was with Connor, I was pretty sure he was a boy. Then with Cameron I swore he was a girl and with Colton I hoped he was a girl, wrong both times. I have tried so hard this pregnancy to remain neutral in my thoughts. As much as I hope its a girl, I try to remind myself there is a very good chance its another boy. I have tried to come up with a boy name and a girl name, and let me tell you, boy names are hard by the time its your 4th when you have already used up 3 boy names you like. Ever since my Grandma passed away right after Connor was born I made up my mind that I would name my first (at this point, only) girl after her. Her name was Lillie, we would use the middle name Elise. But when it comes to boy names, whew! I have no idea anymore. The only C name I like ok is Carson, and I dont love it, but its fine. I really like the name Crew, but no one else likes it but me. I also love the name Henry, but Bret doesnt like it. Tricky business naming a 4th boy!

I had an impromptu ultrasound on Wednesday night, just for fun, and the ultrasound tech tried to see what she could. But its so early to know or see much. Although there was something between babies legs it was hard to tell if it was a boy or just that it was too early in development to be fully developed into "girl parts." I came home and watched the video a few times, posted a still picture of the "potty shot" and most people were saying "Looks like a boy!" I feel bad, but hearing all that downright made me break down. I mean hysterical, like a crazy person. I want this baby to be a girl so so badly, no one can understand unless they have had all of one gender and really desire the other gender. And I have tried so hard to maintain hope that just maybe we will be lucky and get a girl this time and prepare myself for the fact that it could be a boy, but obviously I didnt prepare well enough! Obviously, I still dont know for sure. So thats why I feel a little crazy balling my eyes out over something I dont even know! I remember when they told me Colton was a boy, I cried a lot too at first, but then of course I didnt care later and was so happy that he was healthy and that he was mine. It will obviously be the same this time if its a boy. But, when you have so much hope for something and then to find out its not what you hoped for there is always that initial... heartbreak? I dont know if thats the right word, but you get the idea.

I have asked Bret what he thinks it is, he says a girl. But then I ask him if he thinks a girl because he wants it to be a girl or if he thinks its a girl because he feels like it really is. But how do you separate the two? I know I cant! All of my family wants me to have a girl too, so my parents and brother all think its a girl, but its the same deal, is it just what they want or what they feel? Cameron insists its a girl and Connor insists that its a boy, they argue over it frequently. :)

In the end it doesnt really matter, a baby is a baby and I will love it just the same regardless. BUT - Can you blame me for hoping and wanting after three boys? I think not. We will know for sure in 11 days!!