My Place To Think...

I have started this blog as an outlet. I often have feelings and thoughts that I need to somehow express, whether it be typing them, writing them or saying them out loud, I need to get them out there. Not only do I need a place to do this, but I need a place where I wont be criticized or have people making me feel bad for feeling what I feel.

Everyone has their trials - I feel that we shouldnt compare our trials to one another "so and so's trials are worse than yours so you should just be thankful for what you have" etc. Regardless of what my neighbor, friend or family member is going through my trial is my own and its difficult in its own way. My feelings are mine alone. No one can tell me how I should or shouldnt feel - even though they seem to want to quite often. I find myself more and more often just needing someone to listen and have no opinion or advice, just listen.

I am so incredibly thankful for this little baby that Im carrying - I love it more than words can say. Just as I have with each of my pregnancies. My desire for a little girl in no way fogs or outweighs my love for this baby regardless of its gender. Its mine. I love it. It doesnt matter. I love each of my boys so much, I would never go back and change any of them. They are my life.

However, after three boys (possibly four) and a continued desire since I began having children to have a little girl it should be understandable that I really want to have a girl. Bret and I have always felt that if we had four boys we would look into adopting a little girl. Its always kind of been "in the plan." Although its been in the back of my mind, I have always held hope that I would have my own biological daughter. I want to see our genetics create a girl, have a little girl who looks like me - but really does that matter? Down under all that my true desire is just to have a girl in our family. I have always had a strong feeling that we would have a little girl, whether she joined our family through adoption or biologically, it doesnt matter. I had an experience when Cameron was a baby that really told me we were meant to have a girl in our family. So each time I have been pregnant I have hung on to that hope that it would be that girl I felt we were meant to have in our family. Each time, so far, it has instead been a wonderful, beautiful little boy who we love so much. So I keep trying to sort out why I would have such a strong feeling if it wasnt happening. I realize we dont choose our own paths. Heavenly Father knows our thoughts, desires and prayers. He also knows whats best for me and for my family. He can see the big picture, the eternal perspective. I started this pregnancy praying for a girl - I now pray for my heart to accept whatever my path is meant to be, he knows best.

This is how I feel. I cant change it, I cant pretend I dont feel this way. I cant make myself not cry when I realize there is a very good chance that this baby will be a boy and I wont get my biological girl. I cant ignore my burning desire to have a girl. I also know that I love this baby no matter what gender it is.

I know that there is a little girl out there somewhere that we will eventually have join our family. I feel it. She may be growing inside me right now, she may come through foster adoption, or regular adoption, she may one day be an "accident" when we thought we were finished having kids. I dont know. Only Heavenly Father knows. And I put my trust in him to guide me and direct my path.

Thank you to each of you for caring enough to read this blog and do so without criticism and to have understanding. I appreciate each of you and the love you have for me and my family. I will post periodically on here when I need to get something off my chest. It may be brief, short posts occasionally or it may be longer ones. It all depends on how Im feeling that day.