No More Apologies

Yesterday was a crazy day. I apparently offended some people by bringing up the fact that I was interested in adoption later down the road - particularly that I was interested in specifically adopting a girl. I never meant to offend and I am sorry for that. I would never intentionally hurt anyones feelings, especially on that subject. But the route that the whole situation traveled was, to me, ridiculous. It was completely taken out of context and turned into something it shouldnt have been. And in the end I felt like I was being attacked - being made a bad person because I was able to have children and some cant - and that because I could have my own children I shouldnt talk about my desire to adopt later since Im pregnant now. I felt like I was supposed to be apologizing for things that I shouldnt have needed to.

I remember when I wanted to be pregnant so bad with Cameron. I remember the yearning and desire I had and when month after month nothing was happening, always a negative test, always another month we would have to try, it hurt. I cried a lot, I felt a lot of pain and loss. And although hearing other peoples joy made me feel a little sad inside because I couldnt be that person who was exclaiming happiness with pregnancy, I was still happy for them and didnt feel like they needed to apologize to me for them being able to get pregnant. It was just my trial at that time. Im sure they had one too, it just wasnt the same as mine. I feel for these women who want to be pregnant so badly and arent or cant, I really do. I pray that each of them is able to find peace and comfort and that they are able to conceive or adopt and in one way or another experience the joy of motherhood. But honestly, I dont think that their trials should be taken out on me or anyone else for that matter.

I couldnt sleep last night. A lot of hurtful comments were made towards me yesterday that just kept playing over and over in my head. I felt bad I ever brought up adoption. I felt bad that I had hurt others feelings, especially unintentionally. And my stomach was in knots trying to sort out this conflict with someone I know and not knowing how to - also how to make the people I hurt know that it was never my intention and I was sorry for any pain I had caused them.

At the end of today Im feeling a little more at peace. I cant change what happened, I learned a lesson - that Facebook is just a place for simple quick unemotional posts, not a place to share your inner feelings or thoughts. People with either misunderstand, take it out of context or get their feelings hurt. As mean as some people may think I sound by saying this - Im done apologizing. Im not going to apologize for being pregnant or for my desire to adopt one day or for my yearning for a little girl. Im finished apologizing and thats that. I am happy to apologize for hurting peoples feelings, just not for things I feel I dont need to apologize for.

Just a little of what I have felt today. Im thankful I had a big photoshoot for Cents of Style to occupy my mind tonight, it helped to get my mind off all of this and to distract me. I have been overly emotional this pregnancy and all of this has kind of tipped me off the edge and now Im super emotional. Trying to not think about it anymore, but its easier said than done.