First of all - I am so thankful for my family and good friends who are awesome listeners and understand me. People who know my intent, they know my thoughts and feelings because they listen to me and care. Im thankful to have support in all I do and love. Even though my blog posts are all about things that probably most people could care less about reading, I still have people who read it and comment to me, which is so nice to know people care. <3
Second - I decided its a good thing that I have a testimony of the church. Otherwise I might not have gone today. I can see how people can leave and not want to come back when they have been hurt by someone from church. Its hard to go and know that someone is upset with you and has said things that have hurt you and offended you. And its hard to know someone was offended by something you did, even though I didnt mean to offend or hurt, it still happened and thats hard. Im thankful that I have a testimony of the gospel that isnt wavered by something so silly as this. Its not the gospel or the church that was hurtful toward me, just a person. Anyway, something I thought of today.
Third - I still cant get some of the words out of my head that were said toward me and Im really bothered by them. Two things, first off that I shared my pregnancy too early. I was 8, almost 9 weeks and had seen a heartbeat and was starting to show, I dont think thats too early. It was made to sound like being in the first trimester doesnt frighten me and I just think of it as daisies and sunshine. Um, no. I am terrified. For the whole pregnancy, not just the first tri. I own my own doppler because I live in fear everyday that my baby wont be moving, that there wont be a heartbeat. Just because I have never had serious infertility problems or had a miscarriage it doesnt mean that those of us like me arent afraid all of our pregnancy, or get nervous at each ultrasound or doctor appointment. Second off that I view adoption as "an easy way out." False again. I know it will be difficult. But it is something that we have talked about from the time we were married, not just all of a sudden because we havent had a girl. We just figure that since we want to adopt regardless that it would be a way for us to have the girl we always wanted along with adopt like we always wanted. Get two birds with one stone. Enough on that.
Fourth - My kids are awesome. They are downright crazy and do the weirdest things. Sometimes I find it fun to just sit back and watch them play together. Cameron comes up with some funny little stories, he has quite the imagination. Connor follows any and everything that Cameron does, seriously, everything. And Colton, well he is just strange. He makes the funniest faces, dances around and does his own thing. Its hard right now though because he thinks he is much bigger than he is and wants to do everything that his brothers do, and obviously he cant. But he is in this crazy tantrum phase and just will randomly scream and flail on the ground over nothing. Also, I think he is still mad at me for going to WA and leaving him for a few days because he would rather go to Bret right now, which kinda hurts a little, but Connor went through a little phase like that too around that age. He still plays and snuggles with me, just if Bret is there he likes him to hold him.
Fifth - Bleh, morning sickness has come back! What!? And now suddenly heartburn too. Fun! But on the bright side I finally look pregnant instead of just looking like I added 10lbs, which is nice!
Sixth - I am a crazy pregnant person. Especially this time. Because I know this is my last chance to have my own little girl everything girlish makes me tear up. The other day after that ultrasound where it looked kinda like a boy, I went to Target the next day to get some tshirts for Colton and all I did was walk past the girl clothes, I didnt even stop to look and I started balling. Then today in church I was watching a mom do her daughters hair during sacrament and I teared up. I see posts of little girls and their moms doing fun girly things like painting nails together and stuff all over FB and that makes me emotional. I dont even know what Im having yet! But just knowing that it may be a long time if ever I am able to have those things hurts. Its similar to when I wanted kids and wasnt getting pregnant, just different. Its an empty place I cant seem to fill, and maybe this baby will. But until I know I am a crazy person! And Im sure if this is a boy as happy as I will be to have him I will still feel that void. So if you randomly see my crying over what seems like absolutly nothing, just ignore it, Im just an emotional pregnant lady!
I know there is a lot more than ran through my head today, but I cant think of it all now. I have a hard time turning my brain off lately. Things are just streaming in and out all day long, good and bad, crazy thoughts and normal thoughts. I guess thats part of pregnancy.
Babe, That's a lot of stuff running around in your head! No wonder you're tired! LOL I'm proud of you and your strong testimony. I'm glad that you aren't letting something like this shake your faith. I always said when I was raising you that you were so strong willed that as long as I could keep you on the straight path your strength would keep you there as you go older. Nurture your spiritual strength to keep you going in time of crisis. You are a wonderful mother to those crazy, sweet little boys. I'm so pleased watching you love and raise them. I wish I could take away your sickness, fear, anxiety, and other things you suffer with. I can't but your Father in Heaven can send you peace and comfort. Remember how much you loved by your dad and me and your Father in Heaven. Love, MOM
ReplyDeleteWow, you need a pampering spa day:) What gives someone the right to give assumptions that are the farthest from what you feel? Adoption is a hard, long process that takes a lot of patience and time. You have every right after potentially have a 4th boy to finally have the girl you've always wanted. I've learned the older I get, to not care about what other people think of me. I know its easier said then done, but you know who you are and you have the people in your life that will be with you till the end. Nothing else matters.
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